Hannah's Personal Story in Her Own Words

Readers:  I've had this post in my "draft posts" for quite some time, but the time to post it is now and I will explain more about that very soon.  You'll see why it is important to hear from her own words.

I shared my perspective of Hannah's story in the most popular blog post, In Honor of Hannah.   What's interesting is that our former pastor has obviously included Hannah in the phrase "Julie Anne and those with her," because she was part of the $500,000 defamation lawsuit.  Hannah had no interest in the dealings of the church after leaving, of waging war with God, the church, with families as has been said.   She's been too busy working full-time and going to school full-time getting her degree trying to survive on her small income.

I texted Hannah earlier today and she knows I am posting her story and gave permission to post this picture taken of us at her graduation (might as well finally post a decent picture considering all of the funky media pictures out there of us - lol - proud mama moment right there!).  She said she will probably add more to the story when she gets home from work today because this was written months ago before we won the lawsuit, so you can check back later for any additions.

Hannah's Personal Story in Her Own Words

I’ve been wanting to write a more detailed account of my side of the story, and with it becoming viral and the numerous questions my mother has faced such as the common “how could she do that to her oldest daughter?” I thought maybe if I shared my perspective so they can see it is not just my mother’s story, for I’m a BGBC survivor as well.

We started attending BGBC shortly after I celebrated my homeschool high-school graduation with a few other homeschoolers from our old church where I had been a part of most of my middle and high-school years. With many of my friends then going off to other college campuses, my family wanted to find a church that was going a different direction, namely more towards evangelism by door-to-door knocking and conversations with strangers wherever we could find them.  

At first, I enjoyed it. I had been passionate about my beliefs for much of my life, I had taught bible classes in Pioneer Girls and Awanas, been on a couple of overseas missions trips to Honduras and Portugal, and thought that God was calling me to be a missionary to Muslims overseas. My father and I had always had a strong connection with regards to spiritual matters, we went to evangelism and creation seminars together whenever we could. In my growing up years, my mother and I seemed to have a strained relationship, even though we always ended up talking through the issues. I seemed to be generally in and out of trouble, little things constantly. I pushed her buttons, but all in all, I don’t think I was a “bad” child. I was the oldest, and I liked to do my own thing.

Skip forward a couple of years, I had never formally joined BGBC as a member. I was taking classes at the local community college where I met a guy. He challenged me to re-think everything I knew and believed in. He didn’t want me to leave Christianity (he actually still considers me a Christian even though I no longer profess a belief). But through discussions with him, I started to look at my life and realized that I was living in a bubble. That bubble was basically white, middle-class, Christian, homeschooling families. It was a small segment of a much bigger world. I wanted to explore life and see what it meant to me without feeling pressure from anything or anyone else.

So here I was almost 21, working 4 part-time nanny jobs so I could put myself through a full-time school load to finish my degree (and I didn’t have a car due to my finances and wanting to complete school as fast as I could, so I biked or bused my commutes). When I added up the time I was at BGBC, which alone was about 20 hours a week including Friday night evangelizing on the street or at malls. Christianity was such an ingrained part of my family’s life that there was no way that I’d be allowed to live at home and not go to church. Plus I’d still have my family responsibilities and chores. I was honestly suffering burn-out with all the activities I had to do. I loved my family, adored my siblings, and respected my parents, but I knew and they knew that I couldn’t do what I wanted and live with them at the same time.

So I told my parents that I was doubting my faith and I wanted to move out so I could explore my possibilities and figure myself out. I think that tore both of my parents’ hearts in two. We were a close family, we did everything together. I still think I have the best brothers in the world, and how many sisters say that? I have a sister who I adore, and while we had our moments, she was my best friend, and I spoiled her as much as I could.  

Even if my parents had agreed that I didn’t have to go to church and could stay home to be with the family, I still think I would have moved out. I wanted a clean break from everything. I would still have had to work around seeing my Christian friends who would have felt compelled to try to “bring me back”. I would still have had those awkward run-ins at the grocery store. I didn’t want my parents to have to give an answer for my actions if I had been seen drinking an alcoholic beverage, or wearing clothes that didn’t fit the BGBC “dress code”. I wasn’t planning on being irresponsible with my life or my body. I didn’t move out so I could get drunk, go to parties, try drugs, or act like a crazy college girl. I wanted to do it the right way as much as possible, which I think I succeeded. Moving across town was very helpful and aided my healing since I was able to be myself and not have to look over my shoulder to make sure someone I used to know hadn’t seen me drink that beer. (Note, my parents don’t have anything against alcohol, but anyone at the church could have spun it a wrong way.)

My father, in utter disbelief that I could denounce my faith (he was a Calvinist so this was unthinkable and practically an impossibility in his mind) and Chuck arranged a “meeting” with me that truthfully was really coerced.  I did not want to be there. They sat me down in his office and read verse after verse and got me to feel sorry and repentant by pointing out that I respected my elders and so should do what they said.  

Pastor Chuck’s best idea for getting me to “come back to the faith” was to take away my cell phones (I had two, the contract was in my name, that I entirely paid for), forbid me from going on the internet, told me to stop taking classes in a “worldly” school, as well as leave my various jobs, and that I was to stay home all day and basically only leave it to go to church.  

After thinking about that for a day or two, I decided that that was utterly ridiculous and sounded like brain-washing to me. I thought, “If Christianity is that great, shouldn’t it be obvious? Why can’t I go out on my own? If it’s so great, I’ll for sure come back to the faith anyways - following their logic”. I knew I could ask questions, but I had a feeling the answers would be skewed, and hammered down into me like I was treated at that meeting. I wanted to be treated like an adult, to be given the pros and cons, to have the other adults admit that I had valid concerns, and not act like I was stupid and under the influence of a male friend who they thought might be trying to steal me away from the faith, the church, and my family.

I was 21, a legal adult. I could move out and find the answers to my questions if I wanted. As my mother has explained so eloquently before, this was not an easy decision. I had to be willing to give up my family, my siblings, my friends (since they were all Christians), my jobs, and temporarily suspend my college classes. My father (under influence I believe of Chuck) had told me that they weren’t going to help me in any way. I didn’t want them to help. I was going to sink or swim, and damn if I wasn’t going to do it all by myself (which is the story of my life, my mother will tell you). I hoped that they would soften up. I didn’t want to lose my family, but I knew I had to get out or I would go crazy. If nothing else, I would work my hardest so that my siblings would have a place to go if they decided they needed to get out as well. It was definitely going to be harder since I wouldn’t have my home-cooked meals, or even a bed at that time. I would have to work to provide everything I needed, but I could do it. I was determined.

I did leave, about two weeks after my 21st birthday. I remember it well. December 31st, 2008. I went to church one last time, said a quick goodbye to my friends (most of whom only found out that I was leaving at that time), called an LDS lady I had connected with on craigslist and she and her boyfriend picked up me and my belongings. I thought it fitting that I left on Sunday, after church, and that the first day of the new year was the first day of my new life. From that point on, I never referred to myself as a Christian. I don’t hold any judgment on those that do, but I’m tired of the endless debates that go on between and within any type of believer, be it pagan, atheist, mormon, baptist, etc. I’ve realized that we all have our beliefs, and trying to persuade someone who is convinced otherwise is a waste of my valuable time.

With regards to me and my family and particularly my parents. I honestly believe we were in a cult. It’s like a gas that has no smell or taste, you can’t sense it until you are under its effects. Once you are out of its grasp, you can look back and realize that you were under its influence, I’ve heard people say that hindsight is 20/20 vision, I think that is true. I don’t fault my parents for how they reacted to my declaration. They believed and acted in the way they thought best at that time. I can look back and see that they acted differently in the few years they were at BGBC than they had ever acted in the 18 years prior. Since then, we have spent countless hours talking, going over what happened, apologizing to each other, etc. My mother never stopped talking me me, seeking to rebuild a stronger relationship on a foundation of communication and openness. The current bond between my mother and I is stronger than it has ever been in the past. I’m not going to hold what happened in the past over her head, I don’t think like that. It happened, she has felt horrible about it, I could have moved out in a more gracious way, but dwelling on it doesn’t help. Would my parents and I have done it differently at the time if we knew then what we know now? Of course. There were failures and stumbles on both sides.

But in the end, my parents had raised me right. They had given me the tools to be a productive independent adult. I was able to stand on my own two feet, think for myself, live my life, and make friends. I had a found a job near my apartment within a month, and have been employed ever since, even able to occasionally tutor high schoolers in math. I saved my hard-earned money to buy my first car and paid it off in 5 months. I worked a full-time job and attended school full-time at University of Phoenix to attain my Bachelor’s Degree in Business, attending school during the summer and skipping possible vacations so I could do it by taking as few student loans as possible. I am still to this day involved in various volunteer opportunities. My parents had succeeded with me.

Speed up to last December. My mother had said that she had written a review on BGBC’s website and it wasn’t there anymore. We had already noticed the church members’ tactics of burying the negative google reviews under their positive ones by slightly tweaking their reviews so they’d stay consistently on top. When she said that, I thought that I’d write a review, partly as a way to defend my mother, as well as a way to tell my own story. That church had hurt me. It had caused a rift between me and my parents. So I wrote my review, and it was buried, but it stayed there.

And now here we are today. I don’t think Chuck’s lawsuit was aimed at me, it’s aimed at my mother. I was fuel to add to the fire. Chuck never tried to contact me after I left the church. I never knew if I was shunned or excommunicated, as I didn’t talk or associate with anyone at that church unless they initiated the conversation. I lived a good 45 minutes away on the other side of town purposely so I wouldn’t accidentally run into people I knew from my “old” life. Honestly, I was busy just living my life, finishing up my Bachelor’s degree, building my career, finding new friends. But now I’m involved in a half-a-million dollar lawsuit. Life has a strange way of working. But I’m glad I’m in this . I will stand by my mother every step of the way. It’s her blog, but she, and I, and the other defendants, and EVERYONE has a right to their opinion, especially if they believe it’s the truth. The best defense against defamation is just that - the truth. And the truth is what my mother wrote, and truth is what I wrote.

I'm issuing a Trigger Alert.  This means anything below this point in the comments section may be emotionally upsetting.  I have had enough personal e-mails to know that many of my readers have been affected negatively by Fred Butler's comments.  I urge you to read at your own risk.  

Outside Family Members: Why Are They Shunned?

After this busy weekend with the court case (no ruling yet), spending wonderful time with my friends and a little birthday celebration, I woke up in a funk.   Two e-mails were pressing on my mind and then I realized, no, there were actually three e-mails that arrived over the weekend that described the destruction of relationships caused by shunning.  They found the story in the media and contacted me.


This is the kind of thing that makes me in a foul mood and then I get upset and so I come to the keyboard and type.  The subject of the e-mails was shunning.

Shunning can be the act of social rejection, or mental rejection. Social rejection is when a person or group deliberately avoids association with, and habitually keeps away from an individual or group. This can be a formal decision by a group, or a less formal group action which will spread to all members of the group as a form of solidarity. It is a sanction against association, often associated with religious groups and other tightly knit organizations and communities. Targets of shunning can include persons who have been labeled as,  apostates, whistleblowers, dissidents, strikebreakers, or anyone the group perceives as a threat or source of conflict. Social rejection has been established to cause psychological damage and has been categorized as torture.^[1] Mental rejection is a more individual action, where a person subconsciously or willfully ignores an idea, or a set of information related to particular viewpoint. Some groups are made up of people who shun the same ideas.  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shunning)

After receiving the e-mails, I called around to see if anyone could verify the stories.   They were verified.   Ugh!  Later, I spent one hour on the phone listening to one person's story as she shared the heartache of not being able to see her loved ones for a long while.  The pain in her voice was real.  It was gut-wrenching to hear of relationships torn apart.  She did not choose this.  She was not a member at the church.  She was a relative of someone who attends the church.  


All three of these e-mails were from outside family members who are being shunned by people in the church.  These are family members who don't even go to the church, have probably never even visited the church, yet they are being shunned.  People, I am not making this stuff up.  Have you heard of such a thing?  


These family members outside the church could be sisters, aunts, grandparents, brothers, daughters, it really doesn't matter, but what does matter is these relationships are being torn apart because of shunning:  nieces and nephews can't see aunts/uncles, grandchildren cannot see grandparents, brothers cannot see sisters, etc.  

Shunning can be broken down into behaviours and practices that seek to accomplish either or both of two primary goals.

1.  To modify the behaviour of a member. This approach seeks to influence, encourage, or coerce normative behaviours from members, and may seek to dissuade, provide disincentives for, or to compel avoidance of certain behaviours. Shunning may include disassociating from a member by other members of the community who are in good standing. It may include more antagonistic psychological behaviours (described below). This approach may be seen as either corrective or punitive (or both) by the group membership or leadership, and may also be intended as a deterrent. 

2.  To remove or limit the influence of a member (or former member) over other members in a community. This approach may seek to isolate, to discredit, or otherwise dis-empower such a member, often in the context of actions or positions advocated by that member. For groups with defined membership criteria, especially based on key behaviours or ideological precepts, this approach may be seen as limiting damage to the community or its leadership. This is often paired with some form of excommunication.  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shunning)

Why are they being shunned?  Perhaps they are viewed as a threat.  Maybe they know too much of the inner-workings of the church or family situations and the pastor doesn't want them to talk to their family member and risk losing them from the church.  Maybe outside family members are seeing questionable activities and actions and asking too many questions.   


Julie Anne asks the simple question:   WHY?????????????????????????????


These people were crying out to me asking me what is going on in the church?  Do I think the children are safe?   How long will this last?  What can they do?   I don't know.   I didn't know this was happening when we were there.  So I blog.    I tell what I know.  I encourage them to pray.  


Recently, I saw a reporter on tv fanning a pile of "hate mail" which was evidently e-mail sent to our former pastor.  This hate mail was a result of media attention to the case.  Would there have been any hate mail without the public lawsuit?  I think not.  A couple samples of hate mail were included in the court documents as exhibits, so I assume he must be upset about it.  I saw them.  There were strong words, but they were from strangers who didn't like what they were seeing in the news media and quickly typed out a ranting e-mail.  I've had a few of those.  I usually send an oozing sweet response and hit "delete" :)   

A key detrimental effect of some of the practices associated with shunning relate to their effect on relationships, especially family relationships. At its extremes, the practices may destroy marriages, break up families, and separate children and their parents. The effect of shunning can be very dramatic or even devastating on the shunned, as it can damage or destroy the shunned member's closest familial, spousal, social, emotional, and economic bonds.

Shunning contains aspects of what is known as relational aggression in psychological literature. When used by church members and member-spouse parents against excommunicant parents it contains elements of what psychologists call parental alienation. Extreme shunning may cause traumas to the shunned (and to their dependents) similar to what is studied in the psychology of torture.

Maybe I should have printed out all of the e-mails I have received since the inception of this blog to show reporters - hundreds of pages.  Some e-mails I have received have been particularly upsetting to me.  No, I'm not talking about the negative ranting.  Who cares.  There will always be those.  I'm talking about the pages and pages of personal accounts from people telling their stories of spiritual abuse, shunning, abandonment, shaming, etc.  The kinds of e-mails I'm dealing with are people crying out to me describing the pain and anguish of loved ones they know are alive, but are not allowed to see, but long to see.  The relationships were ripped from them.  


Try to imagine having a relationship with a close family member and then it is stopped immediately.  No explanation.  No closure.  Holidays that were traditionally spent together are now without that loved one or family.  No more birthday celebrations together.  No more camping trips, impromptu coffees, etc.  Death would be easier because there is something final, you can move on.  This is heart-wrenching because you know they are alive.  It's always at the back of your mind reminding you of what once was, what should be, and what you cannot have.  You wonder if they think of you, what they are told about you, you remember those precious times together, but you can't have it.  If this happened to me, I think I would go crazy.  I'd probably drive by the house, hoping to see family.  I'd drop off gifts.  I'd frequent places I knew they would go to just to "happen" to run into them.  I don't know what else I'd do, but family is so important and I'd probably do anything to break through that wall.  Good grief, I cannot even type this without getting teared up again.  You guys have got to get a sense of what this does to families, relationships and how destructive it is.  And it is a complete FARCE - totally made-up rule only benefitting ONE person.  :::ja, calm down:::


Remember the post on False Teachers Mark and Avoid Church Members?   The key verse  used to justify shunning people was Romans 16:17.   I explained how false teachers twist the meaning of this verse  to encourage the shunning of congregants (and  apparently family members outside the church).  They entirely missed the real meaning of the verse which is to shun false teachers.  

Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them.  Rom 16:17

I just found what John MacArthur (our former pastor's favorite pastor) says about that verse and how it applies to false teachers (not congregants or people outside the church).  I know some of this is review, but it is so important because this shunning thing is absolutely huge in spiritually abusive churches.  It was found in an article entitled, Love for the Saints, Part 2:

Now particularly in the church the Apostle Paul says, "Look, here's what you do when you come across it, you mark it and you avoid it." Pretty clear. "To mark it," simply skopeo, identify it, look through the scope, take a good look at it, observe it, scrutinize it, identify it, pick it out, see what it is. And if you know sound doctrine you'll be able to do that. Identify it as heresy, identify it as false teaching and then avoid it, or really in this case avoid them because false teaching always has a source a propagator. That means to come away from it, to shun it.

See, we're not talking about marking and avoiding church members, but false teachers.  Here's more of what we're to do with false teachers: 

 . . . . No, we're not to kill and torture the people who don't believe, just avoid them, move away. Nowhere are we told to stay around and argue with them. That's fruitless. We're told to shun them, go away from them. 

And here MacArthur describes the character of false teachers:

And then he gives two reasons why these lying teachers are not worthy of your ears in verse 18. "For they that are such, who bring in divisions and who cause people to stumble and be offended with their lies, they that are such...number one...serve not our Lord Jesus Christ but their own body." Now I want you to understand that this is something that's repeated frequently in the Scripture. They are in it for self-gratification. 

and

Notice also, will you please, the second reason why we ought not to give them our ears in verse 18, you first of all must know that their motive is wrong, secondly, you must know that their effect is wrong. "They use good words and fair speeches and they will deceive the hearts...they will deceive the hearts of the innocent."

 

Good words, phrase means smooth speech. Oh they can talk...glib, clever. Well you know that, right? I mean, let's face it, the devil wouldn't put error in the mouth of a klutz if he wanted to get his point across, right? It's going to be smooth speech and fair speeches. That implies the word praise, eulogia, like eulogy. It's the idea of false eloquency, flattery, well chosen lies that sound good and appealing and they deceive the hearts of the innocent. So the false prophet comes clever, eloquent, polished, smooth-talking, praising, flattering. He gains the ear and deceives the heart...deceives the heart. And, beloved, that's why we have to test everything by what? By the book.

Innocent is the word akakos. Kakosis sort of a basic generic word for evil, aat the front negates that. They deceive the without evil, the as yet uncorrupted. They corrupt the uncorrupted. They're selfish and sensual and sexual and they deceive with cleverness those who aren't corrupt. And as Peter said they are in bondage to corruption and they lead their hearers into that corruption. They did it in Corinth. That church became entangled in that. They'll try it in Rome. And they're at it today. 

(http://www.gty.org/Resources/Sermons/45-120) 

I encourage you to read the whole article.  It is good.


Oh, why does this insanity continue?  It is insanity because it is not about God and love and shepherding the Saints.  The false teacher is self-serving for his own self pleasure.  This type of shunning I've described is false teaching.   There is no benefit for the congregant whatsoever.  You don't shun outside family members.  ACK!!  Once again, I urge those of you who are in a church, following a pastor who is telling you to shun people based on Romans 16:17, leave that church at once.  Read Jude.  You cannot dialogue with someone like this.  You must leave and get out from that corrupt teaching.   


At times like this, my only hope is this:  

Psalm 34

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous 

and his ears are attentive to their cry; 

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil, 

to cut off the memory of them from the earth. 

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; 

he delivers them from all their troubles. 

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted 

and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

19 A righteous man may have many troubles, 

but the LORD delivers him from them all; 

20 he protects all his bones, 

not one of them will be broken. 

21 Evil will slay the wicked; 

the foes of the righteous will be condemned. 

22 The LORD redeems his servants; 

no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

False Teachers Who Mark and Avoid Church Members

  I received an e-mail from a missionary today who was involved in a church whose pastor used similar tactics with church members as my former pastor.  He sent me a link to look at and I realized I could easily replace his pastor's name with my former pastor's name;  he said the same thing to me after reading some of my blog.   We need to be able to see these characteristics and get our creepo-meters engaged so we won't get caught in the trap again.

Did they all graduate from Creepy Spiritual Abuse School (CSAS)?  With so many abusive pastors using the similar tactics, it makes it seem they come from the same school.  They take advantage of people, attempt to gain control of them and their private lives, use powerful words to shame, confuse people in their faith, twist Bible verses to their advantage, belittle the sheep, tear relationships apart, etc.  The pattern is very disturbing.

This next creepy control tactic pattern to discuss is a biggie.  This is one that separates families and friends,  possibly forever.   If you haven't personally experienced this, please think about it carefully.  Imagine going to church with your best friend of 20 years.  With a 20-year history, you may have gone to each other's weddings, may have started families at the same time, gone on family outings together, shared meals and had many hours of fun, fellowship, trials, and joys.   


And then imagine, out of the blue, you are told you are no longer to have any contact or relationship with this person, in an instant, just like that.  Zilch.  NO RELATIONSHIP.  You may not call,  you may not connect via Facebook (in fact, you have to "unfriend on FB), no e-mails, etc.  All relational ties are severed immediately.  You do not even get a chance to say good-bye, it is OVER.  BAM!  DONE!  FINISHED!  This is happening all over the world in creepy abusive churches and it is done in my former church.  It is disgusting.   It is an abuse of power over church members, controlling their personal relationships and destroying them in an INSTANT.

The sheep of this pastor's church who remain are in the system pretty good by now and are convinced that this is a man of God whom God has placed over their care.  They are convinced that he has their best interest at heart, even though this "trial" is burdensome, they may be told God uses this to purify His remnant; they are being refined in this trial.  They follow without question, like good obedient sheep.  The pastor convinces them that this is for the best for you, for the other person, and for God's church.  Other scriptures are to be used to show how good it is to keep the church pure, and clear from divisive people, people with Korah-like behavior who wage war with God and His church.


Ok, sorry, my brain can't stop at this severing-relationship thing yet.  People who have been involved in your life in intimate ways for years and years have become part of your primary support system.  They know you inside and out.  They can read you like a book, tell when you are up or down with just one look.  They challenge you.  They are there for you when you are sick or when your car is broken down and you are stranded.  They are the first ones you call when tragedy strikes or when news of happiness comes your way:  a new job, new house, a new pregnancy, your child's new faith in Christ, etc.  God created these relationships and gives them to us for our pleasure.  He is the author of relationships.  Who has this right to sever relationships in such a way?

I've said it before, but after these several crazy lawsuit-filled months, I would be in the nuthouse if I did not have friends.  I've mentioned Michelle.  I have relied on her a lot because we went through this experience together.  Her husband was on staff and was fired.    They have been through much and understand what I'm going through.  When you read the pastor's "review" where he talks about Julie Anne and "those with her", Michelle is one of "those".   She has put up with my ranting, my tears, my yelling, my questioning, my crazy forgetfulness.  She has challenged me spiritually, questioned my heart motives, rebuked me in love and been a true friend to me.  I cannot fathom what my life would be like right now if someone had decided that this relationship must be severed.  Oh no. . . . I can't let my brain go there . . . . that's a scary place.


Yet look at what some CSAS graduates are doing.  They isolate people from their primary places of support, comfort, love, and friendship.  They twist Bible verses to aid in their abuse of authority and control over their congregations.


This was not in effect when we were there (at least to my knowledge).   I have heard from several people that it did indeed take place even a decade ago, but for some reason, we never saw it, heard of it.  It may have been taking place behind the scenes, we just did not know about it.


Let me explain it.  Evidently "it" can be called a number of things, but one of the common phrases I heard was, "Mark and Avoid".  Evidently, people who are divisive, in church discipline, or causing conflict in the church or with the pastor are put on the Mark and Avoid list.  The Mark and Avoid list is based on Romans 16:17.  I will post the NKJV - my former pastor's favorite version so that we can all be on the same page, his page, just in case there are current members reading this.  The King James Version uses the actual words "mark" and "avoid"..   All of the next shots are from  Romans 16:17 biblegateway.com  and easily accessible in mere seconds.  Check for yourself.

Ok, here we go.  In reading this verse, one can easily see how CSAS graduates might think this verse would be a great one to apply to people in his congregation or  :::::cough, cough ::::::: former members like me who are waging war with God, with His Church, with mothers and their children.  Or perhaps it could be used with people currently in the church who might have questions that the pastor feels are threatening or divisive.  Regardless, this is a powerful verse.  What does it say we are to do with divisive people?  Yes, avoid them.  Ouch!  Many pastors are saying we need to be marking and avoiding divisive people.  




But digging a little deeper and looking at references for this verse, we can see the following topics are discussed.  Take special note of "8749 false teachers" and "8750 false teachings":

I don't see anything about church members there, do you?  And here we read more about false teachers/teachings:

Here is more reference to this verse with the original intent:  false teachers.

False teachers?  Or divisive congregants?  It seems pretty clear from the above that this verse is about false teachers.   


Commentary and more commentary shows once again that this verse is not about divisive church members, but divisive false teachers.  


I have been told by multiple sources that my former pastor used this particular verse to justify shunning people. Not only that, he had a Mark and Avoid list.  Because I think it is one of the most destructive aspects of an abusive church, it is important to discuss here.  


A quick side note, if you do a quick Google search on "Mark and Avoid", you can see the top entries have to do with the group some say is a cult, The Way International, because they use the Mark and Avoid practice.   The Poisoning of Families article was one of the top entries on my search and discusses how The Way International marked and avoided people:

“MARK AND AVOID” 

The Way’s current practice of “purge, mark and avoid” (which are Way terms) is another means The Way uses to put wedges between children and a parent who is no longer in The Way. The Way has taken great pains in the last 10 years to “purge” its ranks of those who do not give Way leadership their complete allegiance and obedience. Confrontation of followers considered to be weak or in error often includes verbal abuse. This aggressive confrontation has been strongly promoted in leader training, Sunday services and The Way Magazine, which is distributed to all of its followers.

However, when followers do not immediately obey leaders and respond to every one of their demands, leaders “mark and avoid” them. In other words, leaders tell them to stay away from all Way activities, and tell all “faithful” followers to have nothing to do with them — not even to speak to them. Therefore, the ex-spouse avoids the non-Way parent as much as possible and teaches the children to do the same. The Way pressures children to choose obedience to Way leadership (which to them is obeying God Himself) rather than (not in addition to) developing a relationship with the non-Way parent. “M & A” is often a factor causing divorce between spouses, and becomes a factor in children “divorcing” the non-Way parent.

The Smith, Miller, and Varela families have been on this Mark and Avoid list for a long time.  We didn't know we were on the list, but were told by those who  left the church after us.  None of us has ever been in any kind of church discipline process (we've read the church by-laws on church discipline - that process was never executed).  We've only heard by word of mouth or publicly on Google reviews that we are in church discipline.   Isn't it interesting that we were in church discipline weeks after we left the church without being notified by the pastor or elders?  


When do you suppose this Mark and Avoid list is read to church members?  Multiple sources have confirmed that this list has been read at Communion services.  The list was read as a reminder for everyone to remember exactly who was on the M&A list and to avoid them.  Can you imagine this list being read at Communion - at a time where we reflect on Christ's suffering, death, and resurrection for us?  What is this insanity?


The M&A list is a list of people in "church discipline" or who left the church unfavorably (which is pretty much everybody unless your job moved you out of the area).  What it means is that you (congregant) must never associate, communicate with anyone on the M&A list.  You must "unfriend" from Facebook anyone who is on the M&A list, never telephone, e-mail, or make any contact whatsoever.  Guess what happens if you are caught communicating with someone on the M&A list?  Yup - your name will be added.  Guess what happens if you talk to the person who was just added to the M&A list?  You got it!


Now here is where the rubber meets the road.  Let's say you have a wayward adult child.  Let's say your wayward adult child does not repent of his/her ways.  This adult child is added to the M&A list after being confronted with sins.  If you are the parent of this adult child, you are not allowed to communicate with your adult child after being placed on the M&A list.  The siblings are not allowed to associate with this child.   Not only that, members of family outside the church are also told to not associate with them as well.  


So basically, the wayward adult child is abandoned, thrown to the outside world, never allowed to have any relationship with parents/siblings who love and adore them, who could encourage, guide, and show unconditional love.   This adult child now has no contact with anyone in the church and very few relationships outside the church (remember this church keeps you so busy that there is very little time for any outside relationships).  Is that love?   How can love be demonstrated to this person when relationships are cut off?


Surely God is not happy with using His Holy Word in such a manipulative fashion to destroy precious lives and relationships.  This only serves the pastor who is in control.  There is no love here.  There is a place where people are shunned and the stories I describe do not cut it.  I have waited a long time to post this story and I am fired up about it.  This is wrong.  This is not only happening in our former church, but all over the world as my e-mails attest.


I would like to address this part to people who are currently in a church as I have described  - where a pastor is twisting scripture and tearing relationships from you.  Please read the verse again.  The first time, we looked through the eyes of a controlling pastor who is assuming that those who cause divisions are people from within the church or perhaps outside the church.  This time, let's look at the verse in the context of false teachers, not divisive church members or former members.

What are we supposed to do with false teachers?  Avoid them.  

Friends, do  you see what I see?  The Mark and Avoid list with church members listed is a fraud, a hoax, it is invalid.  It is a tool used by pastors who abuse their authority to control.  Church members and former members do not belong on this list; false teachers belong on the Mark and Avoid list!!!

If your pastor is using this verse and has a Mark and Avoid list to validate shunning in your church, your pastor is twisting scripture.  What else is he twisting?  Please leave that church at once.  You are being deceived.  Take your family someplace else and do not look back.

Do you know of a pastor whose name should be listed here?   

And the Winner Is?

One of my "informants" passed along this information.  Even while reviews are slowly being removed, it appears that BGBC just might be the most "Google-reviewed" church in the States, currently at 933 reviews.    If someone finds out otherwise, please let me know.

And next behind is Westboro Baptist with 713 reviews:

Edited to add:  I keep stewing about this minutes after posting.  The sad thing about this whole thing is there is no winner in my book.  A winning church is one where there is a shepherd who tends to the sheep and sheep that are growing, flourishing.  I kind of wish Google would remove all of those extra reviews.  The bottom line is I wrote my original Google review because I was crying out for help for this church that I had called my church home for two years.  I loved these people in the church and I still do pray for them.  I wish someone could make this nightmare go away, that we could redo the last decade for some people, stop the shunning, stop the madness.  Off to cry one more time.  Sometimes this sucks.  Wow, I used that word again.  

Signed,

Julie Anne being real