Rest, Little Kitty

This kitty found us not too long ago.  She was an abandoned kitten and her life existed in in the cold and bitter winter, constantly searching for food and shelter.  The kids placed some food and milk outside and she hung around a bit, coming and going.  Gradually, she let them pet her.   To the children's excitement, one day I let her venture inside the house.  She looked around, but quickly went back outside.  Our home was too foreign for her.  The next day we let her in again and she found a dark, quiet place beneath our couch and slept for a few hours hours.  We could hear purring.   She was at peace.  When we opened the door to let her outside, he put her front two paws outside the door, sniffed the air, but didn't go out all the way.  Stray cat no more, she was home!

Now she is an indoor cat and has no desire to go out in the cold air.   She's full of energy  and playful.  However, there is still something not quite right.  If we put our hand down to touch her, she is very cautious and runs away most of the time.  Occasionally, she'll let us rub beneath her neck and she relaxes a bit.  We've had her for a few weeks now and she still is not completely comfortable with us.  It has to be on her terms.  She cannot simply relax and settle into our lap.  She seems to always have a nervous energy.

This made me think of abuse.  Whenever there is abuse, there are trust issues.  It's difficult to relax, difficult to know how you will be treated.   You always have to be on guard and prepared for the next abuse.  It is a natural protective response, but it takes a lot of energy to live like this.  It takes its toll on a human's body physically, mentally, and emotionally.  If the abuse was spiritual, there can be lasting effects.  Some spiritual abuse victims will leave a church, never to return.

The pastor represents our shepherd and we, the congregants, are the sheep.  In the Bible, our true Shepherd is God.  Very often in our minds, The Shepherd (God) and the shepherd of a church (pastor) get confused.  If we believe that God placed the shepherd (pastor) in the church for us and this shepherd abused us, sometimes that gets equated with God doing the abusing - even though we know that cognitively to be false.   That is why it must be stopped.  Spiritual lives are at stake.  Who wants to risk going back to a church where someone is in authority?  How can I worship God when he placed these pastors in my path?  Oh, it gets very confusing.  Sometimes it's just easier to leave church altogether.
 

I think over time as kitty sees that we love her and she sees that we will never hurt her, she will begin to trust.  I hope one day she will get to experience the sweet peaceful feeling of resting in a warm lap and falling asleep.  She's missing out.   Shame on those who use their position as pastor in to lord over people in a way that makes it difficult to trust.   Take a look at our kitty's eyes in that picture.  This was taken on the first day she found us.  She shows fear.  Those eyes remind me of so many people who have suffered at the hands of a pastor who used his authority to control them. 

I want to be able to rest in my Heavenly Father's lap, unhindered by the pain of the past.  When those shepherds crossed my path, abused their authority to their own gain, it made it hard to trust Him.  Every day my spiritual walk is a struggle.  Will God abandon me?  Will He reject me?  Will He be there to pick me up?  Will He accept me if I fail?  I have to remind myself that God was not the abuser, but man.  One day I hope to rest comfortably in His lap without having those fears and confusing thoughts.  What a joyous day that will be.  

List of Cultic Tendencies

Charles Lester wrote a list of cultic tendencies (originally posted Oct. 1991 in Spiritual Counterfeits Project newsletter) which can be viewed in full online at the Battered Sheep website.  The entire list can be found here.  Below are the items that hit a nerve with me. 

• Is your pastor fully accountable to a board of elders, presbyters, etc.?
• Is loyalty to Jesus and to one's own calling placed before loyalty to pastor and church?
• Does your pastor encourage questions and suggestions? Is he approachable?
• Does your pastor readily admit his errors?
• Is your pastor truly humble?
• Is power shared in your church (rather than preempted by a hierarchy)?
• Does your church see itself as just one organ of the Body of Christ, and not the main one?
• Are church members encouraged and loved even when they leave?
• Are relationships with former members encouraged or allowed?
• Do the pastor and congregation avoid attacking and using as object lessons, former members or those who disagree?
• Are you happy to bring unsaved friends to your church?
• Are people encouraged to hear from God for themselves?
• Is the joy of the Lord present in your church?
• Do you think more about God and Jesus than you do about your pastor and church?
• Does your pastor include himself in any calls for repentance and forgiveness?
• Are you clear that the pastors and elders never exaggerate or lie to make themselves look good?

It's interesting how some abusive pastors are so keen on their Almighty Image and do everything possible to avoid the appearance of having imperfections.  Little do they know that weakness, humility, imperfections only draw people closer to them when they are vulnerable - showing that they, too, are human, and on the journey of love and grace which cover a multitude of sins.

Authoritarianism in the Church

Candidacy for Spiritual Abuse: Don’t Develop Your Independent Thinking Skills

 

In my family's personal story at BGBC, after the abrupt firing of a staff employee, the pastor had a church meeting and mentioned that if anyone had questions, he and the elders would be available to answer questions.  My husband and I set an appointment because we had huge concerns with the handling of that firing and other issues.  We had 11 hours worth of meetings that week.  Tough questions were asked.   Some of the questions were regarding the firing of the staff employee, but there were other questions as well.  

A few days after those meetings, we were told we were no longer welcome at BGBC.  Not only that, it was brought to our attention that the church body was told that we were in church discipline and they were not have no contact with us whatsoever.  (See member Stephanie's review where she publicly posts that we are currently in church discipline.)  When I later saw members at Costco and a grocery store parking lot, they turned the other way and even sped away in their vehicle.  I tried calling someone and they said they couldn't talk and hung up.  Several years of relationships - relationships I had with fellow moms were abruptly stopped.  Relationships my children had with other children ended - some that had several years of history prior to coming to this church - all down the drain. My daughter was in the midst of a high school biology class that met in our home with the child of a member.  That particular high school child was not allowed to continue the class and my daughter was left to continue her biology schoolwork by herself.    

There was no love demonstrated here.  It seemed like a clear attempt by the pastor to control information to protect his image.  He knew that the information that we had about him was a threat to his position because we had witnesses.   In order to keep things under wraps, he was forced to fabricate a lie that we were under church discipline.  Sadly, the sheep submitted to his orders of shunning.  Most likely they submitted so they wouldn't have to endure the shunning treatment that they had seen so many other families endure.  

This is a great article on authoritarianism in the church by Wayne Burleson.  

 

Here is an excerpt:

How does one know if the Christian community or church to which he or she belongs is following Christ's teachings on leadership or is a reflection of the pagan's understanding of authority? What are the signs imperial authoritarianism in the church? The following are ten indicators:

(1). There is never any freedom to question the leader.
(2). The leader often makes claims of having special insights from God, insights that the laity are unable to possess.
(3). Disagreement with the leader is deemed a sign of the devil's influence in one's life.
(4). Events are designed to bring attention and praise to the leader rather than equipping others to do the work of the ministry.
(5). Any concept of equality is immediately labeled rebellion or the end result of a "liberal" denial of the Bible.
(6) Authoritarian leaders are only comfortable around like-minded leaders; thus, there is an unofficial 'speaking tour' where only imperial, authoritarian leaders share the platform with each other.
(7). The measure of success becomes the number of people who follow the leader ("It must be of God! Look at how many come to hear me speak!")
(8). If a person leaves the community or church, the problem is always in the person who leaves, not the leadership.
(9). Leaders who wrongly perceive themselves as those "with authority" insulate their lives by demanding absolute loyalty through giving large financial benefits to their closest 'advisors.'
(10). The ultimate end of this kind of Christian leadership is always more; more money, more power, more followers, more publicity, more, more, more...

You Won't Find a Better Church

Proverbs 27:2 Let another man praise you, and not your own mouth;
A stranger, and not your own lips.

Isaiah 5:21 Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight.

Throughout our time at BGBC, we came across this message on a consistent basis:  you won't find a better church in the area.   We very clearly got the message that it's very difficult to find a good church.  There is truth in that statement.  However, there was an attitude of arrogance and elitism presented by the pastor that other churches were inferior to his church.  Here are some of the ways this was demonstrated:

• Other churches don't preach the full counsel of God, they minced words and have only light and fluffy sermons.  
• Most churches don't evangelize like BGBC and it's rare to find a church where members evangelize on a weekly basis.
• Friendship evangelism is an inferior method of evangelism.   Our method is better.
• Other churches play watered-down praise and worship music, but we play only hymns and good praise songs.
• We don't let our young ladies/women show their cleavage because we know how to dress modestly.  Other churches don't even address that issue like we do.
• Most of our families homeschool their children because it's not right to let the government take over our children's education. 
• We would never have a youth group because you know what happens with kids and raging hormones.  Any of our youth activities are always supervised with parents/elders and we have a Bible study to go along with the activity because we're more spiritual and other youth groups are primarily for social and fun activities. 
• Most of our moms stayed at home with the children rather than pawn the children off in daycare.  

I am not saying that the above ideas are right or wrong.  You bet I think having moms at home with little ones is ideal and homeschooling is a great option because parents can play a wonderful part in their children's education and know what they are being taught, etc.  But people, the attitude is wrong.  It was, "we do it the right way and if you do it another way, you are wrong".   This is the sin of pride.  It is also works-based, not grace-based.  It is not done out of love and obedience, but is like a show on display.  

This attitude has far-reaching ramifications, however.  You can become so convinced that no other church will measure up to these standards that it can hold you captive in that church sometimes for years.  We all want the best for our families.  Hearing it said time and again that this is the best church, why would you ever take your family to an inferior church?   It makes it very difficult to leave.  This is one of the tools used to keep the people held emotionally and spiritually captive. 

Here is more on elitism I found at an online blog dealing with spiritual abuse.  Provender.

What elitism does is unify church members. They get the message. THEY don't want to be like the worldly groups out there that don't care about lost souls or the poor or missions or the scripture. They want to make sure they are among the chosen few. To do this, they will hunker down, they will keep to the group, they will make sure the leadership knows they are loyal and true and not heathen like those other groups outside.

When things get messy and they are tempted to leave, elitism is a powerful handcuff. Members have spent so much time looking down on other groups and playing up their own gifts, that to leave means they have to reverse their thinking, and that's very hard to do. Suddenly, they are thinking about no longer being part of God's special group, and also about joining up with groups they - along with the church leadership - have looked down on for so long. That's a hard reversal to stomach.

Besides bragging about gifts and callings, and besides castigating other "inferior" churches, another sign of elitism is when the pastor or leaders won't meet with other community pastors. They will not join ministerial alliances or Christian groups in a community. They are too good for those lukewarm Christians. They are far above them and will not deign to rub shoulders with them. While many elitist pastors do meet with such groups either just for show or because it lends credibility to the group, the very hard core elitists will not. If your pastor won't meet with other pastors unless they are of the same denomination, it is a big, bright, red flag that he is an elitist and possibly abusive.
Elitism can be blatant or subtle, but it's a common trait of abusive churches.

Psalm 149:4   For the LORD delights in his people;
      he crowns the humble with victory.

How Dare You Leave Our Church!

Below is an excerpt from Exposing Spiritual Abuse by Mike Fehlauer:

Painful Exit
 
In a controlling church, it is impossible to leave on good terms. Because the pastor’s sense of worth is usually based on the control he is able to exert over the congregation, when someone leaves, this insecure leader considers it an affront to his leadership. Therefore he often takes it personally. As a result, when people do leave, they are labeled rebellious, or the rest of the congregation is given the explanation that they left because they had become offended. 

In an unhealthy church, there is never a good reason why anyone should leave. Regardless of the situation, the people who leave are always the “problem.” 

Mr. Fehlauer hit the nail on the head on this issue.  We also noticed that the person/families who left were rarely discussed again - it was as if they disappeared - out of sight and out of mind.   They were not on friendly terms anymore, either.   Because the thought is, "how can you associate with someone who disagrees that our beloved pastor or our church is not the best pastor/church?  If they are in disagreement with what we believe, they must be our enemy and are treated as such". 

In contrast, I'm reminded of the church we left after having attended there 6 years.  We met with the elders and shared our concerns, agreeing to disagree and found another church.  Whenever we happen to run into the former pastor and/or church members even now after all these years, we are greeted with hugs, questions about the family, just as if we were family who went away.  Sure, they miss that we do not attend the same church as them, but they understand that sometimes there is a better fit elsewhere.  There is no animosity - no feelings that we are the enemy.  A healthy pastor cares about souls and wants people to be growing in the Lord, whether they are attending his church or somewhere else.  How wonderful that the Body of Christ is big enough that people can worship where they are being fed and growing in Christ.  Is that not the goal?

Administrative note:  I was informed that readers had to register in order to comment on this blog.  I have edited the settings to allow people to comment anonymously.  This is a sensitive issue that has affected many lives for many years and there have been lasting repercussions to those who have been bold enough to leave the church.  I want to make sure this blog is a safe place to post comments.  Using a pseudo name or posting anonymously is fine with me.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

I've spent a lot of time researching spiritual abuse, the kinds of people who spiritually abuse and found this great article called "Narcissism in the Pulpit" about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Be sure to check out the very informative website.  Here is a snippet from the website:

Sam Vaknin, described by the New York Times as the “world’s leading expert on narcissism”, describes narcissism as:  “Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:

 

1. Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements & talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion.

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique &, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions).

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention & affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply).

5. Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special & favorable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations.

6. Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends.

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others.

8. Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her.

9. Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.”¹ 

 

Leaving a Church

My husband and I met at church when we were single and in college and have been going to church together as a family for all of our married life.  Prior to that, we were regular church attenders all of our childhood.  This church thing is nothing new to us.  When my husband was active duty, we were forced to move frequently and so this meant we've gone to a lot of churches over the years.  

There are many reasons people might leave a church:

• use "wrong" Bible translation
• don't agree with theology
• too many programs
• don't like the praise and worship music
• too many hymns or not enough hymns
• don't like youth groups
• not family-oriented
• not enough programs
• don't care for pastor's style of preaching
• don't fit in with the people

Usually people can tell within a few weeks if a church is going to be a good fit for a family.  One of the first red flags we saw was wonderful families coming and being actively involved for around 4-6 months and then abruptly leaving, without saying a word.  I can't remember how many times this happened during our 26 months, but it was enough to be an obvious pattern to me.  Why were they leaving?  Why didn't they say good-bye?  A number of times I asked elders/pastor why a particular family had left.  The responses I was given always put the blame on the family.  People come and go all the time from churches if they don't have a good "fit".  It's not a big deal.  But why the negativity about those families who left?  Why was it always their fault?  Why couldn't it be - "they just didn't feel like they fit in here or were looking for something else"?  

The message that spoke to me was this:  BGBC is the church to attend.  From the pulpit I heard that there weren't other Bible-believing churches like this around.  It's very hard to find a good Bible-believing church.  The implication was that if you had to leave this amazing church, you would be going to an inferior church.  There really was no justification to leave this church, so the blame  had to be placed on those leaving.  It was their fault that they couldn't accept this amazing church.  There was something wrong with them.  That is what was said and the people accepted that as the answer outwardly.  But I know some people were taking mental note because some members even documented these happenings over the years privately. 

Interestingly (perhaps Providentially), I ran into a number of families who had left the church on different occasions and was given the opportunity to ask them exactly why they left (this subject will be discussed at a later date).  Their answers were completely different than the explanations given from the elders/pastor.  Why was there a need to fabricate a story?  As I said earlier, it's no big deal to have a family that doesn't "fit" in a church, just find a different church.  However in this church, it is judged that you must be lacking in your Christian walk if you have the audacity to leave.