Survival Strategies for Hyper-Authoritarian and Repetitive Sermons

I'm a little bit surprised if you are still reading my blog.   The last three posts were rigged to make a point and I took you on a ride without your permission so you could understand first-hand what it felt like.  I tricked you and purposefully kept the majority of the post the same, but altered bits and pieces to make you think I was giving you a brand new post.  The last post, I again interspersed the same message, but this time with growing feelings of exasperation and anger.   I'm still trying to wrap my head around the thought that a pastor knowingly did this week after week after week after week . . . okay, I'll stop :)

I know how I felt with those repetitious sermons.  I felt like they were wasting my time, that he wanted to pound his message into my head, that it was a form of indoctrination.  They were loud, felt strong, and sounded like hyper-authoritative lectures.    I hope you were able to sense my rising emotions as I continued each post.  

For the record, I normally only use the word "suck" as in,  "my little boy likes to suck his thumb", not the way in which I used it on the previous title, "All Smoothies are Good, Sermons Suck."  In fact, every time I see the title, I cringe because that is not how I speak normally.   But it was used because it expresses how one may respond when dealing with something like this.  Anger rose up from within me screaming:  STOP THIS INSANITY!  It's interesting as I type these blog posts, I often emotionally connect to those times from years ago and the feelings come flooding back. 

 I know many congregants were annoyed with the repetitious sermons, while others sat and endured it quietly.  We all react differently.  Some people zoned out and their minds drifted.  Others used the time to get some business done.  Here are some ways people zoned or preoccupied their mind so they didn't have to listen to the repetitious sermons.  It was easy for me to see what was going on when walking out of the sanctuary to check on my little one in the nursery or to use the restroom.

Some people worked on their checkbooks.

Quite a few kids drew pictures.  I remember seeing some fantastic sailing ships with men and their weapons  (hmm, the thought that the drawings related to war so often never dawned on me before typing this).

Grocery lists:  this was a popular way to bide the time

Another popular response as I briefly alluded to above was to leave the sanctuary and go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, check the nursery to see how the kids were doing, go outside the check the weather, etc.   

It occurred to me that I may have just "outed" these "mental escape" methods to the pastor because I know he and his "spies" read this blog.  Perhaps there will be a meeting soon to recruit spies to report this activity to the pastor - or install hidden cameras, or who knows what else.  When you are dealing with someone who secretly records conversations without permission, goes to houses unannounced demanding information, keeps detailed files of "sins", even sins repented of and long forgiven, this would not be out of the realm of possibilities, sadly. 

I ran across another N. Korea story on CNN this weekend in the midst of this series - how timely.  CNN covered a story of someone who defected from N. Korea and left his wife and 2 daughters behind.  This part especially struck me:

Oh, a native of South Korea, moved his family to Pyongyang in 1985 despite his wife's reservations on the promise of a good job and free medical treatment for his wife's hepatitis, but when they arrived he realized he had been tricked.

He says there was not a job nor medical help for his wife, just three months of what he calls, "lectures from day to night on North Korea ideology, history and brainwashing." He was then forced to work in a radio station broadcasting propaganda.

There's that brainwashing thing again.  That's what it felt like for me.

My 25-yr old daughter, Hannah, who is also being sued for defamation along with Meaghan and me, discusses this in her Google review.  I'd have to look up which words/phrases are actually part of the defamation lawsuit, but here is her reaction to the repetitious sermons that she posted on the original Google review and might very well be in the lawsuit:

The entire time I was there, we never got off of Romans 12 (over a year).  I now think Chuck thought we were too stupid to grasp his "deep" concepts and so felt he had to hammer it in repeatedly week after week, and/or he likes to hear himself talk.  

And here is also Hannah's response to my recent blog posts:

HannahJune 11, 2012 8:02 PM

So the last three posts pretty typical of his sermons from what I remember from personal experience, except that you would need to have at least 50 minutes of verbal oration and add only maybe 10 minutes of new material, which is in essence only delving into literally the three next words in the same sentence of the half a verse we've been "exploring" for the last 8 weeks.

Hannah remembers it as I do.  She was at the church for a little over a year and moved out of our home and 45 minutes away because she couldn't handle this church and didn't want to get sucked into it again.  We stayed a little over 2 years and by the time we left, we had only progressed to Romans 13:6-7.   So for the 2 years and 2 months we were there, we covered Romans 12 through Romans 13:7.  As I took good notes and checked the sermons noting key phrases were reused but in different order for the first 45-50 minutes of the sermon and then we'd hear fresh material for the remaining 10-15 minutes.  Hannah's assessment above is correct.  My time would have been better served by reading the Bible on my own in the parking lot and then coming into the sanctuary 10 minutes before the end of the service to hear the new mini-sermon. 

I brought these issues up to the pastor during our final meetings because the sheep were obviously disgruntled and crying out for food.  They did the best they could do to communicate this, but it fell on deaf ears.  Why did the crying sheep not matter?  Why did this relentless, authoritarian, repetitious loud preaching continue despite the cries of the people?   What kind of pastor ignores pleas from his congregants and plows ahead with his own agenda?  What purpose did this serve?  Who was this benefiting?

I look back on the wasted time, think of what it did to me spiritually.  I kind of wish I would have had the guts to do this during Sunday sermons:

Julie Anne's knitting

I always have a pile of UFO (unfinished objects) knitting projects that need to be worked on.  I imagine they all would have been done if I used my time more productively.  What a shame, because not much positive came out of that time.

I leave you with this comment from David Johnson that came through just as I posted this.  It ties in beautifully because repetitious sermons as we endured can cause one to be spiritually weak and their growth to be stunted. 

David JohnsonJune 12, 2012 9:48 AM

What is to give light must endure burning. - Viktor Frankl

As I’ve been mulling over Mark 9:42, and how these words of Jesus may actually relate to Pastor Chuck, I’m reminded of what was said elsewhere concerning Mr O’Neal, How Chuck had better hope the Judge don’t get all Biblical on his butt, 'cause the Judgement, just might include a Millstone and a Boat Trip!

“And whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, to fall into sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea.”

These ‘little ones’ refers to both children and those who are weak in the faith. On reading some of the comments on this situation at www.rawstory.com (where I, personally, found out about this madness a month ago) I read the words of many who appear either weak in the faith or possessing no faith at all being adversely affected by Chucks actions in ways that either cause them to stumble, or, more often, embolden them even deeper in their rebellion against the God who Chuck professes to be an Ambassador of.

All Smoothies are Good, Sermons Suck

Admin note:  This is part of a series of posts that are a bit, well, unconventional.  To fully grasp the message and emotions of the series,  please be sure to read from the beginning:  It's the Same Message No Matter How you Mix it!. 



We like a lot of smoothies in our home.  Here's a protein smoothie recipe I'd like to try:

Power Protein Smoothie

• 2 cups mixed berries, (fresh or frozen)
• 1 cup silken tofu
• 1/4 cup pomegranate juice
• 2 to 3 tablespoons honey
• 2 tablespoons ground flaxseed
• 1 teaspoon finely grated peeled ginger

I also enjoy making the kids smoothies and use various fruit depending on what is available.  Here are some ideas to try:  pineapple, mango, banana, and orange.

I could change things around and put these fruit in a smoothie:  mango, pineapple, orange, and banana.   After two days of seeing these fruit, it's looking very unappealing to me, no matter how healthy it is.  Too much of a good thing sometimes becomes a bad thing.

Or this combination, too, works well:  orange, banana, pineapple, and mango.   Someone asked, 'can one have "too much Bible"'?  Well, if the same one phrase is repeated, peated, and repeated, sermon after sermon, yes, it can be too much, because it's not presented in context, it's sandwiched in personal stories, not in the way God intended it as the full counsel of God.

“For a good tree does not bear bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit.

 Luke 6:43

Or I might put these fruit in a smoothie:  banana, orange, mango, and pineapple.   Verses that once were beautiful, meaningful, have become trampled upon, created into dumb little jingles in our minds, not respected verses. 

How will Smoothie 1 vary in taste from Smoothie 2?  How about the taste of Smoothie 3 and Smoothie 4?    What will they taste like?  Will they differ?   The phrases, repeated the way we have heard them then become negative and rote.  When we read them outside of church, we hear them in his voice, we remember his voice inflections, his examples and stories that sometimes have nothing to do with the context.  Good fruit?  I'm not so sure.

We are taken on a ride each time we sit in church listening to him tear apart a verse or sometimes only a few words of a phrase.  I am saddened that the precious words of God became disgusting to me based on the way they were presented over and over and over again. 

At church, I became aware that many people were tiring of the very repetitious repetitious repetitious sermons, week after week, week after week, month after month and month.  I encouraged them to tell the pastor, that it wouldn't do any good to tell me about it (although I personally did have the same issue and was going so crazy that I wanted to scream).   

In a healthy church, a pastor's words encourage spiritual growth and maturity, creating and environment that fostered a love for His Word.  This type of preaching had the opposite effect on me.  It made me turn away from His Word and Him.

This was like an anti-shepherd, not a real shepherd.

Anti =  opposed to, against, preventing, reversing or undoing, the opposite of

Yes this word accurately describes what I felt we had:  an anti-shepherd, not a true shepherd. 

“Woe to the shepherds who destroy and scatter the sheep of My pasture!” says the Lord.  Therefore thus says the Lord God of Israel against the shepherds who feed My people: “You have scattered My flock, driven them away, and not attended to them. Behold, I will attend to you for the evil of your doings,” says the Lord.

Jeremiah 23:1-2

 

Admin note:  For your sanity and mine, I will no longer "repeat" this message that I hope you got "loud and clear". 

Mixing Up the Message Yields the Same Results

We have a Vitamix blender.  It is no wussy, weak, machine.  This is a manly machine.  It is probably our most-used kitchen appliance.  The one shown in the picture below is 12+ years old.  It is used many times a day.

I like to make smoothies.  Here's a recipe I want to try:

• 1 cup almond milk
• 1/2 cup rolled oats
• 1 frozen overripe banana, broken into chunks
• 14 frozen strawberries
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla
• 1-1/2 tsp flax seed

I also enjoy making the kids smoothies and use various fruit depending on what is available.  Here are some ideas to try:  pineapple, mango, banana, and orange.

I could change things around and put these fruit in a smoothie:  mango, pineapple, orange, and banana.

Or this combination, too, works well:  orange, banana, pineapple, and mango.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.

Galations 5:22-23

Or I might put these fruit in a smoothie:  banana, orange, mango, and pineapple.

How will Smoothie 1 vary in taste from Smoothie 2?  How about the taste of Smoothie 3 and Smoothie 4?    What will they taste like?  Will they differ? 

The pastor's family had recently purchased a Vitamix and I know from talking with his wife, they really enjoyed it.  We had been using our Vitamix for years, so they were speaking our language.  I remember sharing my favorite ways of using our Vitamix with her.

At church, I became aware that many people were tiring of the very repetitious repetitious repetitious sermons, week after week, week after week, month after month and month.  I encouraged them to tell the pastor, that it wouldn't do any good to tell me about it (although I personally did have the same issue and was going so crazy that I wanted to scream).   

After hearing that others had brought this subject to their attention time and again and again, I used this Vitamix illustration in a meeting with the pastor and elders.  It seemed apparent that either the pastor did not get the message, ignored the message, chose to disregard the message, did not like the message, or did not want to hear the message from others, so I attempted to speak in a fruity language in hopes that he would finally *get it*. 

I told him that if someone was to take Fruit D, Fruit C, Fruit B, and Fruit
A, mix it up in the Vitamix and pour it out, it will taste the same if you switched around the order and used Fruit C, Fruit, B, Fruit A , and Fruit D.   I explained that people were going crazy with the repetitious sermons that go on and on and on and on with little new material and so on.  We were going bored out of our brains.  We needed more fruit, not the disgusting fruit mixed up again and again.  It was rotten, stinking rotten.

For when they speak great swelling words of emptiness, they allure through the lusts of the flesh, through lewdness, the ones who have actually escaped from those who live in error. 
2 Peter 2:18

 

 . . . . to be continued

It's the Same Message No Matter How you Mix it!

 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves.   You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?   Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.   A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.   Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.  Therefore by their fruits you will know them.

Matthew 7:15-20 

 

 

We have a Vitamix blender.  It is probably our most-used kitchen appliance.  The one shown in the picture below is 12+ years old.  It is well-loved and well-used sometimes multiple times a day. 

Every morning, I make myself a breakfast "smoothie":  1/2 cup old fashioned oats, 1 frozen overripe banana (for sweetness), a spoonful of flax seeds, 1 cup of almond milk, and 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa.  After I mix all of the above on high, and then a small handful of raw almonds and blend on low for a bit.  I love having crunchy almonds in every bite.  (That's a Julie Anne original recipe - enjoy!)  I love it and miss it whenever I am away from home. 

I also enjoy making the kids smoothies and use various fruit depending on what is available.  I might put these fruit in a smoothie:  pineapple, mango, banana, and orange.

Or I might put these fruit in a smoothie:  banana, orange, mango, and pineapple.

I could change things around and put these fruit in a smoothie:  mango, pineapple, orange, and banana.

Or this combination, too, works well:  orange, banana, pineapple, and mango.

How will Smoothie 1 vary in taste from Smoothie 2?  How about the taste of Smoothie 3 and Smoothie 4?    Will they vary in taste or be the same?  Yes, I think you are probably getting it by now.

The pastor's family had recently purchased a Vitamix and I know from talking with his wife, that they were thrilled with using it and the health benefits from drinking smoothies.  We had been using our Vitamix for years, so they were speaking our language.  I remember sharing my favorite ways of using our Vitamix with her.

At church, I became aware that many people were tiring of the very repetitious sermons, week after week, month after month.  I encouraged them to tell the pastor, that it wouldn't do any good to tell me about it (although I personally did have the same issue).   

After hearing that others had brought this subject to their attention time and again, I used this Vitamix illustration in a meeting with the pastor and elders.  It seemed apparent that either the pastor did not get the message or did not want to get the message from others, so I attempted to speak in a language that might make a clear connection. 

I told him that if someone was to take Fruit A, Fruit B, Fruit C, and Fruit D, mix it up in the Vitamix and pour it out, it will taste the same if you switched around the order and used Fruit D, Fruit, C, Fruit B, and Fruit A.   I explained that people were going crazy with the repetitious sermons (that typically lasted one hour).  We needed more fruit, not the same fruit mixed up again and again.

 

Note:  If Vitamix Corporation likes this free advertisement for them and would like to upgrade the Smith family's Vitamix, please contact Julie Anne here:  bgbcsurvivors @ gmail dot com :)

 . . . . to be continued

Nurturing Your First Love

Some people don't have a problem picking up the pieces regarding their relationship with Christ after an abusive church experience.  They are able to carry on just as normal.   That is wonderful!  Others, like me, may have trust and abandonment issues that come into play which may make it difficult to pray, to read the Bible, to sing Christian songs, to venture into a church, to talk with other Believers, to celebrate religious holidays, etc.  Some of those activities might set someone who was spiritually abused down an emotional spiral leading to depression, flashbacks, anxiety, panic attacks, even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Yes, for some it truly is that bad.   These lasting emotional effects of the abuse may be robbing us of our first love:  Christ.

Today, I want to focus on getting back to our first love:  finding our way back to Christ after abuse.

Sometimes there are reminders that set me off and make me want to turn away from Him, however there are things that have helped me.  I'll share a couple ideas that have worked for me and another one from a reader's comment.

I used to play the piano and sing for the praise and worship part of the service at our former church and actually, I think that is what saved my sanity while there.   I disliked the sermons, but was able to focus on the music and the wonderful lyrics - especially some of the hymns with such deep lyrics:

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

There are songs that remind me of songs from the former church.  I avoid them.  It's as simple as that.

Lately, I've been having a challenge of getting some down time for myself and yesterday, I grabbed my iPhone, put on Pandora.com, tuned into my preset "Fernando Ortega" radio station and vegged for a bit.   A little later, I realized that I hadn't folded three loads of laundry, so I kept the earphones in, volume turned to LOUD, and also sang loudly as I folded the clothes.  Wow, why don't I do that more often?  That personal praise and worship time was sweet and refreshing to my soul.

Ok, I just have to share this one with you:

In our former church, the pastor had a thing about New King James Bible.  Someone gifted our family with $$ at Christmas and I felt bad that our family only had New International Version bibles while everyone else seemed to have NKJV bibles.  We had NIV bibles and our former pastor did not care for NIV version.  I actually remembering him ridicule people who used it during mid-week service (yes, that should have been a red flag, not so much about the translation, but the ridicule).  So with that money, I bought brand new New King James Version MacArthur Study Bibles for our family.  I always appreciated the study notes, but I have to tell you, I haven't touched that Bible since we left the church.  With our move last summer, I don't even know where it is.  

But one thing I did do was buy a new Bible.   My new Bible is neither NIV nor NKJV.   It's a whole other translation I've never used before and I absolutely love it.  It's like reading the Bible in a new way.  I had memorized a lot in NIV, but now the new version is fresh, just slightly different wording that causes me to read more slowly and digest the meaning more carefully.  Because I had used NIV for so many years, I can sometimes read the new version and at the same time remember the alternate word that the NIV uses so I have this parallel thing going on in my mind which I find pretty cool!

I know of others who have replaced their Bibles.  They may not have changed translations like I did, but just to change to a new Bible, get a new start with clean, unmarked pages, can be refreshing.  Seeing your notes from pastors' sermons along the margins, words underlined that the pastor emphasized, very well-warn pages where the former pastor spent so much time in one place, can be more negative distractions (or even missing sections of scripture because of not going moving out of a chapter for 2 yrs!!!).  Do what you need to do to remove the negative distractions! 

Carol mentioned getting out in nature - a change of scenery:  "How about a solitary trip to a place you love (a mountain, a stream, a meadow, a lake, etc.) for the sole purpose of spending time alone surrounded by... well, surrounded by whatever comes to pass."   You can't get much more basic than that - go out into God's wonderful creation so you can experience Him.  

“The rain and snow come down from the heavens
    and stay on the ground to water the earth.
They cause the grain to grow,
    producing seed for the farmer
    and bread for the hungry.

 It is the same with my word.
    I send it out, and it always produces fruit.
It will accomplish all I want it to,
    and it will prosper everywhere I send it.

 You will live in joy and peace.
    The mountains and hills will burst into song,
    and the trees of the field will clap their hands!

 Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow.
    Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up.
These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name;
    they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”

Isaiah 55:10-13

Do you have other ideas of how to remove/replace negative distractions and reminders?  Please share!

* * * * * *

I was recently informed that there is a financial need to cover legal expenses.  A number of you told me firmly to be sure to publicize this need if the situation arises.  It has.  There is a donation link in my sidebar.  Thank you so much.

Happy Tears

Rose from my backyard.  I have neglected the bush and somehow it produced this.  Amazing.   Can God create something amazingly beautiful out of a life of "neglect"?   I think so!

And I will lead the blind
    in a way that they do not know,
in paths that they have not known
    I will guide them.
I will turn the darkness before them into light,
    the rough places into level ground.
These are the things I do,
    and I do not forsake them.

Isaiah 42:16

 

I woke up to happy tears this morning thinking about the lives of some people close to me - that they might be feeling a glimmer of hope as they attempt to step out in hope of new beginnings, not quite sure of what lies ahead.   I know I'm being vague, but each little step that brings healing and hope in this spiritual journey is so good, especially stepping out in faith and holding the hands of a big God who loves them.

I'm getting a little personal here.  The most difficult thing for me about spiritual abuse is what it can do to our relationship with God and I'm so happy that despite this half-million dollar lawsuit, despite the fact that I have always had trust issues and abandonment issues with my earthly fathers which naturally extend to trust/abandonment issues with my heavenly Father . . . .  God has been revealing Himself to me in very real and powerful ways - through circumstances, through relationships, and through His word.    It's hard to find the words to express what my heart is saying to me, but it's all so good and has led to many happy tears.  It's been a long time. 

But at the same time, in my e-mail box this very morning, someone wrote about the inability to step one foot into church this morning although they wish they could go - - - - they just can't get past the emotional barrier, the fear and pain that is before them.   This is the time for those of us who are stronger to especially be praying for these precious souls.  Brothers and sisters in Christ, will you please do that?  Will you pray specifically for the people who have e-mailed me or commented who want to go to church but are unable to because of their spiritually abusive past?  

Can we talk?  Can we put this stuff out on the table for discussion?  If you are one who just can't seem to get back to church, but would like to, can you try to articulate what makes it difficult for you?   There are no right or wrong answers.  Some have expressed fear.  Are you afraid?  If so, can you share what you are afraid of?    Is it the pastor or church members?   Is there anything that would make it more comfortable for you?    I really want this to be a place that can facilitate this type of discussion because I've lost count of how many who have mentioned they want to be in church, but just can't seem to do it.  Some have not gone back for over a decade or longer.  

Pastor Wade Burleson is trying to connect with those who have been spiritually abused by offering the eChurch and I think that's a great first step.  In a sense, we who read and participate here are a community of sorts and can be of encouragement to each other.    I hope you will take advantage of this blog and "virtual support group" to share.   Feel free to use a pseudonym when commenting (just pick a name and forget about the URL).  Talking about the big emotional stumbling block in front of you will help to diminish it.  I'd love to see comments from both sides - those who are having difficulties and those who want to be a support. 

 * * * * * * * *

I wanted to be sure to remind you about EChurch this morning.  Deb and Dee have their blog mostly up and running again and have posted a new EChurch with songs, prayers and a message by Pastor Wade Burleson.  I hope you will check it out here:  EChurch:  6.3.12

 * * * * * * *

UPDDATE:  Lois contacted me from SpiritualAbuse.org and said she still has a few more copies of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse to give out.  For more details, read the first paragraph of this post. 

Commenter Asks: Is Church Safe Anymore?

A few admin notes first:

Lois from SpiritualAbuse.org has graciously offered 5 (and possibly a few more) books of the book, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson (not the same David who has commented here) and Jeff VanVonderen to my readers.  All she needs is your address (this offer is good for those in US only).  Here is where you can reach Lois:  Contact Page  Her e-mail address is at the bottom left of the page.   Learning about spiritual abuse is be so helpful in the recovery process.  Please contact Lois if you are interested.  I've read this book and it is good.   Thank you so much, Lois!!

When I first was served the subpoena, I reached out to people on the internet who had dealt with spiritual abuse for help.  One person was Barb Orlowski who reads and comments here.  Barb put me in contact with a group of people, some who have gone through tragic stories of abuse themselves, and others who have become experts in the field of spiritual abuse and are writing books, counseling, maintaining spiritual websites offering resources, etc.   I am so grateful that these people have reached out to me in my darkest days.   Lois found me when someone posted our story on her Facebook wall and then contacted me.  It's great to be a part of this wonderful caring and supportive network of friends who are trying to help people recover from the insanity that is going on in some churches.

I've read a lot of personal e-mails - some only a paragraph or two, others pages long.  I feel so honored that some of you have trusted me with your story - perhaps the story that you may not have told anyone before.  That is so powerful.  I make it my top priority to respond to each e-mail, but because of time constraints, I may not be the best support person for you.  

Please utilize this site in the comments section as well.  This really can be a virtual support group.  When you see someone reaching out and posting their painful story, be sure to respond and give encouragement.  Others will do the same for you.  I've said it before and now have witnessed it in my e-mail box - the most powerful thing someone who has gone through spiritual abuse is to tell their story.  It's interesting how someone will send me their story, intending it to be only a couple paragraphs, but then apologize at the end of the e-mail by saying they didn't mean for it to be so long and they haven't ever told anyone this before.  That's powerful - all of those emotions and stories had been penned up and now they are free.  Beautiful!  Keep talking, friends.

Oh, that brings me to another thing.  So many of you are using the Anonymous option when commenting.  That's fine.  I want you to feel completely safe without having to disclose your identity here.  But I want to let you know of another option.  You can remain anonymous in your comments by creating a pseudonym.   This way, we can attribute your story to you without you giving away your true identity, but you and your story won't be lost in the pool of "Anonymous" posters.  I'd greatly appreciate it if you could do this.  I don't care what you call yourself:  Fred Flinstone works :)  Here is what the comment screen looks like.  Just click on Name/URL.  

After you click on Name/URL, you will see this screen:

Just type your new name:  ie, "Fred Flinstone" and then leave the URL field blank.  Ta-da!  You now have an identity.  I have no way of knowing who you are.  Blogger does not disclose ISP or any kind of personal identifiers to me.

Ok, this is what I really want to discuss.  I read this comment from RB earlier this week and it's a comment that tugged at my heart:

Julie Anne: I have meditated on this post and the responses, as well as studying the Book of James as sets forth many benchmarks in this area.

The retaliatory actions by Beaverton Grace Bible Church against you and your family, and to significant numbers of members of other Christian churches who have been arbitrarily and harshly "disfellowshipped", "excommunicated", "shunned", sued for alleged defamation, and mentally abused by totalitarian-focused church leaders, have deeply troubled me.

I will not deny that your story, compounded by dozens of other stories of church abuse that I have begun learning about, has left me very worried about the possibility that my own church - which at this time seems to have a relatively "sane" approach to member relations - could at an unknown point in the future be "taken over" by devotees of ecclesiastical totalitarianism (which would be my polite characterization of the governance practiced at BGBC).

I have actually started losing sleep at night lately worrying about the proliferation of extremely radical, dogmatic, in-your-face theology in American churches that underscores the notion that the decisions and teachings of a pastor and church elders cannot under any circumstances be questioned or challenged.

Frankly, the whole topic of "abusive churches" is starting to raise some painfully difficult questions for myself, as to whether any Christian faith community is a "safe place" for learning and practicing basic discipleship skills as taught in the Bible.

Maybe I'm over-reacting, but just had to get this off of my chest. -RB

 

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.  Matthew 9:36

RB, I think you are raising valid questions and thank you for sharing what you've been thinking about and losing sleep over.  I get it and I know my friend Michelle does as well.  We've been talking a lot behind the scenes with others and we are wondering the same thing.    How can people find a good church?  It used to be that we primarily focused on doctrinal statement (true story, I did not read the doctrinal statement of my former church, but left that to my husband).  Having been a military wife with a lot of moves, we know that time is precious and always tried to settle in a new church quickly, so there were things I would look for.  Now, thinking back on that list, they were superficial issues - my I've learned much along the way.  I think we can all agree that there are no perfect churches.  But . . .

Are there any safe churches?  How can we find them? 

What do we look for when trying to find a good church?

How can you determine if the pastor is a godly shepherd?  

How do we know if our pastors are even aware of the problem of spiritual abuse?  

Are they concerned about it? 

Is there something we can do to help our current church be aware of this growing problem?  

Are their safeguards in place to keep pastors/elders accountable?  

Are you feeling the same way as RB?  How are you working this out in your life?

If you have more questions to add, please post a comment and I'll keep adding to this list of questions, but most importantly, let's talk.   

For the record, I currently have a church home.  My pastor is keenly aware of spiritual abuse (and told me some of his background and connections with a legalistic church) and my case.  I'm sure I will have more discussions with him.  I was dropping my kids off for their standardized testing this week and he came up to me and asked how things were going.   I'm liking him more each time we meet.  He has jokingly said that he is going to keep an eye on his church's Google reviews and I jokingly asked him if he had a hidden recording device in his plant on the bookshelf.  I didn't see any :)

* * * * *Last-Minute Update!!!!

It looks like my former church has done more changes on the church website - this time on the press release.   I didn't notice this change, but another blogger did.  Read about it at the FBC Jax Watchdog site.  Good detective work, Watchdog!