Courtship: The Background and Negative Outcomes

Soon I will begin posting personal courtship stories, so it might be helpful to get a little background of the history of courtship.  The courtship model is unquestionably a part of the culture of many conservative churches, conservative Christian groups, and promoted by leaders in the homeschooling community.  Some groups who have embraced the courtship model are:  Sovereign Grace Ministries (SGM), Doug Wilson, Family Integrated Churches (such as Household of Faith Community Churches),  ATI and Institute in Basic Life Principles by Bill Gothard, Steve and Terri Maxwell of Titus2.com,  Mike and Debi Pearl of No Greater Joy, Vision Forum - Doug Phillips, etc.  The Maxwells and Pearls are families who homeschool, full-quiver, speakers, authors, and promote courtship.  I'm sure there are more.

Bill Gothard taught a form of courtship in the 70s.  I remember reading documents and listening to Jonathan Lindvall cassette tapes on courtship in the early 90s called Youthful Romance.  I've read that Jonathan got his material from Bill Gothard who founded Institute in Basic Life Principles.

In 1997, Senior Pastor Josh Harris, the pastor at SGM's flagship church, Covenant Life Church, wrote a very popular book called, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." when he was only 21 years old.  This book underscored what many church and homeschool leaders were saying all along, that modern dating is not healthy and recommended an alternative to recreational dating, courtship.   Josh had been in the limelight from an early age because his father, homeschool pioneer and pillar, Gregg Harris, took him on his speaking tours at homeschool conventions from state to state.  I remember seeing Josh manning his father's book table at homeschooling conferences.    

Josh Harris was already popular among homeschoolers because of the magazine, New Attitude, he published from 1994-1997.  The magazine's readership was focused on homeschooled teens.  When Harrris published I Kissed Dating Goodbye in '97, it was well-received in homeschooling circles, but also ventured into mainstream Christianity.   I Kissed Dating Goodbye highlighted the negative aspects of recreational dating practices and provided a seemingly healthier and new alternative:  courtship.  

I was 21-years old when I wrote my story of giving up the dating game in order to focus on serving God. The hope behind it was that other singles would be helped by some of the lessons I was learning. Most people have an opinion about "that book about not dating." Some love it; others despise it. I'd encourage you not to assume you know what it says without having read it. Many readers who start out critics of I Kissed Dating Goodbye are surprised to learn that the core message of the book isn't about "dating," but living your life for God. ~Josh Harris

Years later, Josh Harris wrote Boy Meets Girl:  Say Hello to Courtship.  

Here is the description from Amazon:

Purpose Driven Romance 
The last thing singles want is more rules. But if you’re looking for an intentional, God-pleasing game plan for finding a future spouse, Joshua Harris delivers an appealing one. A compelling new foreword, an all-new “8 Great Courtship Conversations” section, and updated material throughout makes this five-year revision of the original Boy Meets Girl a must-have! Harris illustrates how biblical courtship—a healthy, joyous alternative to recreational dating—worked for him and his wife. Boy Meets Girl presents an inspiring, practical example for readers wanting to pursue the possibility of marriage with someone they may be serious about. 

The summaries of these books come across as fairly decent, in fact, a lot of it still appeals to me today.  However, there has been a culture that has evolved since these books were published - not just at Sovereign Grace churches where Harris pastors, but throughout the interconnectivity of churches, homeschool groups, conferences, the internet, etc.  

Josh Harris received a lot of feedback on both books, including negative feedback, and he tried to address those issues in an attempt to clear things up in a sermon called, Courtship Smourtship which can still be found here.

I found an old comment by Kris (blog moderator from SGMSurivvors.com) from April of 2008 on the I Kissed Dating Goodbye blog.  I realize this is an old comment, but it helps to illustrate how this courtship concept caught on and developed a life of its own in a negative way.

Kris Says: April 30, 2008 at 9:43 pm
It was my observation at our SGM church that the attitudes Josh Harris preached against in “Courtship Smourtship” were alive and well…and this was at least 2 years after he preached that sermon. Actually, “alive and well” wouldn’t do it justice. The paranoia about male-female interactions and the idea that “guarding one’s heart” meant running the other direction in the face of ANY sort of attraction – those attitudes were stronger and more pervasive than ever at the SG church we attended.

I don’t think any of the folks knew of Harris’ sermon. Or, if they had, by that time they’d taken his ideas and run with them to such an extent that they’d turned the courtship system into some sort of foolproof immorality-and-heartbreak-prevention-system.

Honestly, I believe that at our SG church, anyway, courtship was more about parents who wanted to control every aspect of their children’s lives than it was about actual purity. Purity may have been one of these parents’ well-intentioned goals for their kids, but purity can be accomplished in other ways, like equipping young adults to MAKE GOOD DECISIONS, rather than setting up a bunch of stringent rules for their kids to follow…and a weird artificial process for finding a mate.

I think what disgusted me the most was to watch people’s responses to the one successful courtship at our church that had actually ended in marriage. Everybody thought that this couple had lived out the absolute ideal. Yet (and granted, I could be wrong, as I did not know this girl that well) I got the distinct feeling, from my position as an observer, that the girl in this couple was woefully ill-prepared for marriage to the young man. She seemed very stiff and uncomfortable whenever the two of them were together in public. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for her, to go from living with her parents (she was about 20, had never been to college and had never held a real job aside from giving piano lessons to some of the other kids from church) to – within a period of about 3 months – having gone through a whirlwind courtship with someone she’d hardly spent any time alone with, to being engaged, to getting married to him.

I should probably quit this rant. But courtship and the legalistic excesses that I witnessed are subjects that really get me hot under the collar, almost more than anything else within SGM. There are extremes that NOBODY could ever address in a single sermon.

Here is a response to Kris' comment - - someone's personal experience of this courtship, purity, father-owning-daughter's-heart culture.  Read how church leaders used their authority in ways that were really out of line.  It's sad.

Fundamentalism Survivor Says: March 24, 2011 at 6:14 pm

That’s bad. But it gets carried to even greater extremes in other churches, where people’s paranoia and subjective interpretations of the book are involved.

The doctrines of this man (Josh Harris), difficult enough in themselves, provide a ready platform for fundamentalist hypocrisy in the church. Fanatical proponents of “Kissed Dating Goodbye” methodology ultimately trashed my reputation in my old church (it was found out I “went too far” with my ex-fiance). They stalked around with lists of requirements for their future wife/husband. The sexes avoided each other and were embittered. Elders/deacons kids got a lot more freedom even though they weren’t above messing around at times. The singles had a gossip network by which others were “warned” as to who was “marriage material” and who was NOT. If you didn’t make the lucky few, people were distantly polite & emotionally absent in the youth group; you didn’t have a chance at making friends.

Josh, I don’t believe you intended for extremes to happen. But you have muddied the pond for a couple of generations now. Many of us are so cynical that we have resigned ourselves to singleness. Some of us had meaningful, pure relationships with Christian sisters that have been destroyed because of confusion on topics like “emotional purity” (we don’t want to cheat on our future spouses by opening up). You are in a position of great recognition and authority. You have the responsibility to set a better example…”

Who is to blame for all of these legalistic excesses?  I cannot be sure.  It seems Josh has tried to clear up some misunderstandings, but there is definitely something still amiss in this "courtship culture".  I personally don't think Josh Harris is to blame for what has occurred in the homeschool movement and courtship culture, but the books played a part.  

I believe the problem occurred when pastors, leaders, and fathers went above and beyond what is normal involvement in the lives of their congregants and used their power to control and shame their flock/adult children.  

Christians: Happy Halloween or Not?

Pumpkins carved by my two youngest boys

Last night I sent Hannah (my eldest daughter, age 25) this text:

Your 3 youngest siblings are trick-or-treating.  Don't faint.

Within seconds, my phone rang and I answered it.

Hannah responded, "Who has my mother's phone and where is she?"

Many Christians believe that making the day a harvest day or calling it Holyween makes it ok, but the Lord does not want imitation. So Halloween should come and go just as every other day, with no celebration of any kind. If it wasn't rooted with God, than we shouldn't try to make it that way. Evil is evil no matter how you try to dress it up.  Source

I laughed at Hannah's response.  Yes, she certainly had every right to be shocked and surprised.  This was the first time I had ever taken any of our kids trick-or-treating.  It was completely spontaneous.  My younger kids, after seeing a group of kids dressed in costume come to our door, started asking me why they couldn't go trick-or-treating.  

Then in the year 1000, the Catholic church set up November 2 to be All Souls' Day, a day to honor the dead. It was celebrated much like Samhain, with big bonfires, parades, while the people dressed up in costumes as saints, angels, and devils. The three celebrations (the eve of All Saints', All Saints', and All Souls') were combined and called Hallowmas.  Source

I had to think to myself:  why is it that we have never allowed the kids go trick-or-treating?  Why is it that we rarely bought candy or answered our door to trick-or-treaters?  Hannah did remember one year I bought candy and left it in a bowl on the front porch for trick-or-treaters.  We typically turned the lights off and went into the basement and had a family movie night.  I made special treats and it was fun.  Other years our church had a Harvest party and children were encouraged to dress up as their favorite Bible character.  

Is trick-or-treating really so bad?  What is so bad about Halloween?  If our kids put costumes on and go trick-or-treating, is that promoting evil?  Playing with Satan?

Even though these traditions were taken up by the misguided church, that doesn't mean that they are any less dangerous today. The roots of Halloween are still just as corrupt and sinister as they ever have been. And "Who can bring a clean thing out of an unclean? No one! " (Job 14:4) The fact remains that Halloween is still considered by the occult world as a special day of darkness.  Source

When I thought about it the whole Halloween thing, I thought about our neighborhood.  I thought about the kids who had just come to the door and the kids who had come to the door last year.  They wore cute costumes, nothing evil, eerie, or Satanic.  As far as our neighborhood, the most I saw for Halloween decorations was one lit pumpkin.  Most of our neighbors are empty nesters or retirement age - they are "over" Halloween for the most part.  Our home was kind of the extravagant one with two carved pumpkins on the front porch (pictured above) - lol.  We're talking a no-Halloween-frills neighborhood here, just homes with the front porch lights on and neighbors ready to hand out candy.  I came to the conclusion that in my neighborhood, Halloween is a day where kids dressed up in basic costumes and neighbors give out candy - there really was nothing more, and nothing sinister or evil about it. 

I pray that now that you know the truth behind Halloween, you will make the decision to keep your children from something rooted in and derived from evil.  Source

We have shared with the kids about how some people celebrate the day, and that we do not celebrate that kind of evil.   But tonight, after being questioned numerous times by my children, I simply could not find a good enough reason  not to go trick-or-treating based on what I had seen in our neighborhood and the kids in our neighborhood.  And because of that, I decided they could go.  

TRICK OR TREAT

The Druids went from house to house asking for a contribution to their demonic worship celebration. If a person didn't give, their trick was to kill him. The people feared the phrase "Trick or Treat."

Therefore, it is inappropriate for Christians to celebrate Satan's high holy day or to celebrate with those who practice witchcraft and use occult symbols such as witches, black cats, ghosts, jack-o'-lanterns, etc. This time can be used to make children aware that Halloween is an alliance with the powers of darkness and that it is now our privilege to live as children of light.  Source

The stipulation was that they had to come up with a costume with what we had at home and that they had to put it together within minutes because it was already approaching 8 pm.  One child grabbed a bed sheet and made some sort of cape with it (I still don't know what he was).  Our youngest child wore a feathered headband and a cowboy shirt.  Go figure.  The middle child (aka resident artist) wore worn jeans, a t-shirt,  a bandana around his curly strawberry-blonde hair and carried a blow gun.  They were quite a sight.  I escorted them down the block and down 2 cul-de-sacs before they decided they were done - probably visiting a total of 10 homes.

Halloween emphasizes fear and terror, but God emphasizes tranquility, rest, assurance, and love (Psalm 23, 2 Timothy 1:17, 1 John 4:18). Halloween emphasizes death and destruction, but God emphasizes life and restoration (John 3:16, Ezekiel 33:11, Jeremiah 30:17). There's just no getting around the fact that Halloween is opposed to God's character and ways. Source

The conclusion:  there was no evil.  My kids had the opportunity to practice speaking politely with their neighbors.  They used their creativity in thinking up and creating the costumes, and I especially liked the positive teamwork which made it all happen.  Now maybe if my neighbors had their focus on evil,  demonic activity, blood and gore, I would have to reevaluate the situation.  But this was not our reality in our neighborhood whatsoever.  That obstacle was removed.  

Why is it that some Christians do not have a problem with Halloween and can enjoy themselves and their family by dressing up, going trick-or-treating?  Does it make them less of a Christian?  Are they celebrating evil?  Are they in sin for participating in Halloween?  

The quotes in orange are from various websites with the belief that Christians should not have anything to do with Halloween.  This is what has permeated most of the groups I have been a part of in the last 20 years - particularly in the homeschool movement and conservative Christian churches.  

At my former church, my pastor decided many things for us:  what colors of clothing we should avoid wearing, who we were allowed to swim with, the length of our shorts, how we spent our time.  In lieu of Halloween, we had a Reformation party and people brought games to play and snacks to share.  

I found it interesting that some websites went as far as saying there should not be a Halloween alternative or substitute on that day.  So, no Reformation parties or Harvest parties where children wear even Bible characters.  I wonder if a child was born on Halloween, would that child be allowed to celebrate their birthday?  hmmmm

I can't live under this kind of legalistic bondage of someone deciding for me and my family what is sin and what is evil.  When I was living in that kind of rigid environment, convincing myself that I was making the right choice by avoiding evil and some of my friends were "playing with evil", I was judging them.  I tried not to judge, but it was easy to do because I felt I was taking the higher road and thought that they were being deceived:  what kind of an example were they showing their children?, why would they chose to make light of Satan's day?  I may have even asked some of my friends if they thought they should be participating in such an evil day.  Who knows.  I'm a different person today than I was even 6 months ago.

I am realizing now that when I answered the door last night to the trick-or-treaters, I had the rare opportunity to meet the neighbor kids.  What other time would they voluntarily come to my door?  These are the same kids that I might meet in the summer at the neighborhood pool.  These might be kids my children will eventually play sports, music, or go to school with. I had fun engaging the trick-or-treaters, asking them about their costume, thanking them for stopping by.  I enjoyed taking my kids trick-or-treating, getting a chance to say hi to neighbors who are usually inside.  This is my community.  I want to get to know my neighbors.  This was a great occasion to do that - to make a connection.  

What I want to be is a genuine Christian - not one that follows rigid rules because someone dictated to me their rules, but one that looks at the full picture in light of how Jesus made an impact in the world.  How am I showing the love of Christ with my neighbors?  With my children?  I want to be an intentional Christian and a thoughtful Christian.  I want to model to my children godly discernment, not legalistic rules.  Last night, in our unique neighborhood, I really think God was okay with us trick-or-treating.  

Homeschool Movement and Abuse? Introduction

The lawsuit from my former abusive church has come and gone and I have been doing some deep thinking - - trying to figure out what brought us to that particular church - - - what made that church appealing to us?   I had to acknowledge that this church, like other prior churches, was strongly pro-homeschooling.   In fact, if you didn't homeschool, you may not feel very comfortable there.  So, it made me go back further . . . . all the way back to the very beginning  - before we started homeschooling and were investigating.   What I have discovered is alarming:  patriarchal teachings that are often times abusive, parenting styles that are often abusive, and ideas completely outside of mainstream Christianity are going on in the homeschool movement.

My husband and I have been married 27 years and have 7 children from 25 yrs down to our 6-yr old "caboose".  We have always homeschooled.  We have always believed that this was the best choice for our family.  We have been to many churches due to my husband's military service and job changes.  Many people have influenced us in our homeschooling, parenting, marriage, and our Christian life journey and right now, I am angry.   I am angry about what I have discovered looking over our marriage, looking at our parenting styles over the years, looking at decisions we have made, looking at people who influenced us  - people we trusted to be godly, like-minded and who wanted the best for their children and families.

If you have not been connected with the homeschool movement and click on some of these links, you might say:  "Um, yea, you drank the Kool-Aid long ago."  If you've been in the homeschool movement, you will probably be nodding along and can reminisce with me.   I will take you on a wild journey going back through what I have experienced or seen in the past couple decades as a homeschooling mom.  Here is a sampling, and not in any order, of the kinds of influences, beliefs, philosophies, practices we dealt with or were familiar with among the homeschooling movement over the years: 

Why did we have so many children?  How do you know when your quiver is full?  Would we have had this many children if we hadn't listened to specific teachings?  Who invented the jumper dress?  Why did I sometimes feel guilty if I didn't wear my denim jumper?  I no longer own a denim jumper.  Who decided Gregg Harris or Michael Farris were the spokesmen for homeschoolers?  Why did so many homeschoolers flock to the articles and books of Mary Pride?

* * * TMI warning * * *Is it okay to refrain from sex to not get pregnant or is that saying "no" to God's blessings of children?  Did it really mean one isn't trusting God if taking measures to prevent pregnancy after cycles returned 6 weeks postpartum (and round-the-clock nursing)?  How many blessings of babies did I prevent by taking matters in my own hands?  Is God mad at me for my "interference" of "His plan"? * * * * end TMI warning * * * *  

What about all of those families who stop having babies after only 4 children or 2 children - - - are they disobeying God?  Why don't they want God's blessings?  Who is targeting the homeschooling community to convince them to pop out babies to overpopulate the world with Christians babies?  Why does this same dude bombard our mailboxes right before Christmas to encourage us to buy Christmas toys (gender specific boy toys for boy and girly girl toys for girls) when their family does not celebrate this "pagan" holiday? 

How did I get to the point where I believed that I may be treading dangerously if I was not a member of the Homeschool Legal Defense Fund?    Who would protect me if someone from school district came to my door and wanted to find out why my children weren't attending the evil government school down the block?  How many homeschool families printed out instructions on what to say to government officials  if "they" came unannounced to our door to interrogate?  How many of us had HSLDA phone numbers in a prominent place . . . . just in case?   Where did all of this fear come from?    

Why was I corrected when I said "public" school instead of their preferred "government" school?  Is there an agenda going on?  Who is feeding all of this?  Who decided that boys should be owning their own home businesses to support their families?  Who decided that all colleges were bad until Patrick Henry College was founded by popular homeschool leaders in the "movement" and then all of a sudden it became "okay" and even "good" to send our kids away to college?  

How did the homeschool movement influence my views as far as who I voted for or how involved I was in politics?  How did they convince me that I was eating improperly and I needed to grind my own wheat and make my own bread?  How did the homeschool community have the inside scoop before my traditional-schooled friends from church when it was going to become the end-of-life-as-we knew-it during the Y2K scare?  Who brought that hype to the homeschool community?  Would you like to ask me how many homeschoolers I personally know who are still going through their stockpiles of grains?  Seriously!!!!   Did Julie Anne actually buy Spam during the Y2K scare?

When did I get to the point where I looked down at my friends who were Christians and either sent their children to public or private schools when "they should" be teaching their own?  How did all of this happen?  Why do so many homeschoolers balk at immunizations?    Why are some homeschoolers so proud?  Homeschooled kids were the smartest because they always won the National Spelling Bees, right?    Who decided that homeschoolers should be involved with speech and debate?   Why are so many families going to their state capitals and involving themselves in politics - - because they were going to be the movers and shakers of world in the political arenas?  And why is my husband responsible for my faith and the faith of our children?   And why do we have to go through him on spiritual matters?  Does God not speak directly to homeschool kids and wives?  

Who told me about modesty and how I should be dressing and how my daughters should be dressing?  What does modesty have to do with homeschooling?  Why do all homeschool boys look alike with similar short haircuts?   Who convinced me that my children could never "date", but must only "court" and that my husband gets to choose our children's future spouses?  How did, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" become such a popular book?  Who named the government as "evil" for wanting to know how our children are educated?  Why do homeschoolers assume the worst when they file their "notice to intent" with their local school district?  

Why do they assume that the school district secretary doesn't want to deal with homeschoolers and will instigate more trouble by wanting more information than required by law?  Who made up this purity ring ceremony - - - and that our teen daughters should wear their purity rings symbolizing their virginity until they replace it with their wedding ring?  Who started this thing where daughters shave their fathers beards?  Ewww.  Below you will see an invitation to a Father Daughter Tea from Vision Forum.  Fast forward to 1:37 to see daughters shaving their fathers.  Um, really??? 

Who decided that boys should have their homes paid for before they get married?   And why are organized sports so wrong?    When did Young Earth creation become a primary issue to be a Christian and that if you didn't believe it, you might not be Christian?   Why are scientists looked at as if suspect?  Psychology is of the devil.  What's with all of those pictures of large families with matching clothes on the covers of homeschooling magazines?  Are my children supposed to be wearing matching clothes?  Who decided that was the right way to dress kids?  Who decided that women should only wear dresses?  

And what about those who show up at conventions with head coverings - - -are we bad women if we don't have them?   Who decided that family-integrated churches were better than traditional churches for our family?  Why is it that homeschoolers brag about their children being able to interact and socialize well, yet you can "pick them out" a mile away because they look and act so "different"?   Who has been instigating the us-vs-them mentality regarding so many of these topics?  Who decided that the only job that we should be teaching our daughters is to be "keepers of the home" and serving their fathers and then serving their future husbands?

Who decided a 1/4-inch plumber's line was an appropriate tool for spanking?  Who taught us that if we had to repeat a command twice to our children, our children were being disobedient:  First-Time Obedience.   How did we let this group convince us that all infants should be able to go 4 hours between feedings.  What single man decided that fathers were an umbrella of authority over the family below God?  What same man also encouraged men and women to get vasectomies and tubal ligations reversed to allow God to control the size of their families and then paraded post-reversal children in front of the auditorium at conventions?  

This is quite a diversion from spiritual abuse in the church, but I need to go there.  I now believe the homeschooling movement made our spiritually abusive church seem appealing to us.  Some of the above is just plain quirky, but other issues go much deeper affecting core spiritual beliefs and agendas.

My daughter, Hannah, is 25 yrs old and she was only homeschooled.   The first traditional school she attended was community college and last spring she became a college graduate.  Her peers were from an early generation of the growing homeschool movement.   More and more blogs are being published by young adults like my daughter who are "coming out" and sharing their homeschool experiences.  The stories are not pretty.    My daughter has shared some of her story.  And you can read the story I wrote about Hannah's experience here.  In that story, you can get an idea of the controlling environment in which she lived and how she had to escape - it remains one of the most popular blog posts.  What she experienced at home has probably gone on in many homes.  I bear much responsibility for it.  I went along with it.  I have apologized to my daughter many times for it.   The abusive church we found also aligned with these philosophies of heavy-handed control of children, even adult children.  Hannah was 21 when she moved out.  She was not a child, yet we thought we owned her.  

I assumed (yeah, I know about that word), that when we got into homeschooling that it was a safe community - a community where children's best interest was at heart.  We wanted to have the primary influence in the education of our children.  That's good, right?  Well . . . . I have discovered that there is an underlying agenda in the homeschooling community that has been there all along - even years before I started - and it continues to this day.  I believe that some of this underlying current  - taken to an extreme - could be responsible for breaking up families, causing abuse, wreaking havoc on people's spiritual life.  

I firmly believe that God used the lawsuit in a powerful way to highlight the issue of spiritual abuse in the church.  He was there during the entire time providing amazing support for me.  My life is rich having gone through it.  But now I'm wondering if God is using another experience of my life to share here.   

While I have spent countless hours writing blog posts about spiritual abuse in the church, I think there is a setup for spiritual abuse that originates in the homeschool movement.   In our abusive church, we felt a "kindred spirit" (and all the homeschool moms just laughed at me with that phrase) in the church because of with like-minded teachings and beliefs.   Some of these ideas need to be explored further.

I have an upcoming post to share from a young lady who was raised in a homeschooling/patriarchal family.    I think it's important to hear from these young adults who have lived it and are now trying to put the pieces together of their childhood together as they begin their families.  I would like to share more stories from those who have experienced the homeschool movement and the impact this movement has had on their life emotionally and spiritually.   If you have a story to share or know someone who might want to share, please e-mail me:  bgbcsurvivors@gmail.com

photo credit: freezelight via photopin cc

Hyper-Modesty in the Church, Part 2

 Does Hyper-Modesty Lead to Lust?

Yesterday's post dealt with the subject of hyper-modesty with regard to how we dressed, the preoccupation of not showing cleavage, not accentuating a woman's figure, diverting eyes when seeing female joggers on the road, staying away from public swim areas and areas where people are dressed immodestly, etc.  I also discussed how we turned magazines over in the grocery stores that depicted sexual images or even suggestive titles in our aim to help protect our children from these visuals.  The lady who came to the pastor seeking counsel, but was transferred to a woman for counsel because she was immodestly dressed was also mentioned.  

In comments here on this blog and in personal e-mails, I've read about stories of rules and legalism which created lots of problems in churches.  Our church was no exception and I'll continue with more from our personal story: 

Look - - I get turning over magazines at grocery store check-out aisles.  Some of the images and even titles are inappropriate in an environment where children are present.  But a magazine is not a living, breathing soul.  It's an object.  Its "feelings" are not going to get hurt, unlike that lady who came to the church seeking help.

But you know what . . . . . I think the hyper-modesty stuff may have backfired.   I discussed earlier how our youth seemed to get in trouble with issues involving sex in unofficial youth groups or outside activities.  I've never seen a higher percentage of sexual immorality in young adults in any other church I've attended.  It is my belief that the hyper-modesty led to hyper-obsession with sex (including pornography).  

I've kept up with a number of the kids who were teens when we were there and some have shared with me.  Now they are young adults.  One person who was baptized while we were there is a male stripper/dancer.  I know of a female who does nude modeling.  Some of our young adults are now living with their boyfriends or girlfriends.  Some are having casual sex with with no real commitment.  Some have issues with pornography.  These are bold choices of sexual immorality that are being exhibited compared to the expected lifestyle of a young adult Christian.

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.    

For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.   

But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.    Romans 7:18-20

In any church a percentage of young adults will walk away or test their faith, some trying alcohol, drugs or go through phases of experimentation with the world and all it has to offer.  The large percentage of young adults who have completely walked away from their faith and who are living a lifestyle completely different from their upbringing shows the fruit of that environment.  The fruit was rotten.  Was this caused by the rigid rules and legalism? 


Our adult kids are certainly not rotten.  They only reacted to the very strict/legalistic teachings.  Being caught in sexual sin, sitting through long meetings with the pastor, perhaps multiple meetings, getting spanked by parents (yes, high school students were spanked) and having more meetings with parents, and then hearing weeks-long series on Wednesday nights on the dangers of sexual immorality does not give one hope, but despair.

There was no way to measure up.  They felt there was no way to be a Christian.  If they felt they were Christian before, they became confused and thought they were on their way to hell because of their sin.  It was too difficult.  They couldn't stop sinning.  Why bother?  They convinced themselves they must never have been a Christian to begin with - that it must have all been fake and now that they know what a Christian is "supposed" to be, they know it is impossible to maintain that lifestyle - especially because they are so easily tempted by sin.  Do you see the thought patterns?


Evidently, I said something that highly disturbed someone during our last days.  I said that the spark of joy was absent from the eyes of our teens.   That didn't go over very well.  It was a very obvious sign of despondency to me.

The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light.  But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!  Matthew 6: 22-23

Legalism does not produce good fruit. It produces complacency and an idea that it doesn't matter what I do, I cannot achieve Christianity.  This is the message I have heard from young adults (including my own).  This is not what the Bible teaches.  Christianity is not based on what you do or do not do.  It was a false message bringing despair and condemnation, not hope. 

Folks, this is part of the spiritual abuse that was going on - it was sending  wrong messages that turn people away from Christ, not toward Him.  So many of these young adults were not just experiencing merely a crisis of faith, but   completely abandoned the faith.  There simply was no hope.  Why bother trying?



 . . . . . to be continued

Hyper-Modesty in the Church, Part 1

 Do You Have Modesty Police in Your Church?

Before we came to the church, our family had general guidelines on modesty.  It wasn't a big deal.  There were no rules, but I shared with my daughters to generally try to wear clothes that didn't draw attention to female body parts or cause distraction.   I tried to show them clothes that exemplified beauty.   It wasn't set down as rules, but was discussed as we experienced life, while shopping and trying on new clothes, maybe while watching something on television, or perhaps watching a situation where a young lady is dressed provocatively and we can see how others look at her, or rather her body parts instead of looking at "her", etc.  This worked well for us then. 

God gave us His word for guidelines.  His Holy Spirit works in us as we read His word.  Here's one such verse that talks about modesty - - - wait, I just checked - it doesn't say modesty.  It's talking about holy living.  Imagine it, God doesn't need to spell it all out in detailed fashion, but let's the Holy Spirit work in us:

 So think clearly and exercise self-control.  Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. So you must live as God’s obedient children.  Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then.   But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy.   For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.”  1 Peter 1:13-16

What does holy dress look like?  We don't have it clearly spelled out before us, but we know that God wants us to be holy.  Is God breathing and living through His word in our lives?  If so, then I believe He is able to speak to us and guide us.  

 For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.  Hebrews 4:12

At our former church, we were instructed to stay away from public swim areas and places where people were dressed immodestly.   I wondered how we would have dealt with that issue if we had those same rules while living in Virginia Beach where we lived years ago.  I thought back to that time.   Because Virginia Beach is a touristy beach town, it is normal for people to be wearing beach attire as they walked in town and shopped.  By beach attire, I am referring to cut-offs and bikini tops, etc.  We dressed in shorts, sleeveless shirts, etc, (no bikini tops for this mama).   I don't think this kind of pastor or church would have been able to co-exist in that town. 

From the pulpit, men/boys were instructed to look the other way if they saw a woman jogging on the sidewalk or side of the street.  This was brought up a number of times.  I did not like the results I saw in my family and others.  It almost became a game to look for female joggers so they could quickly look away and act holy.

Another rule was about swimming.  There was to be no mixed gender swimming - unless they were very young children.  The Smith family disobeyed this rule.   We go to a Christian family camp each year at a lake and we had been going for several years before attending this church.  I remember the first year we went to camp after attending this church and tried to imagine if we obeyed all of these new rules, what it would be like for our family at this amazing lake camp.  I remember struggling with this modesty issue while there at camp, knowing that our pastor would be greatly displeased knowing that the Smith family was participating in co-ed swimming with their parents' approval.  We didn't discuss this obvious conflict with the kids, we just did what we had been doing for the previous years - we swam and had a great time.  The camp has their own basic dress code, such as no bikinis and they preferred one-piece suits for ladies.  It had always worked for us. 

However, in the church environment and out of the church environment, we became Modesty Police.  If we saw sexually explicit magazines in the grocery aisle checkout line, we turned those magazines over so that people couldn't see the front cover.  Our children were trained to be on the lookout for inappropriately dressed people whenever we watched shows on tv or movies.  If something inappropriate showed up on the screen, someone immediately got up and turned the channel or fast forwarded the scene.    If we saw inappropriately dressed people in smaller confines, ie, Baskin Robbins, it would be safer to wait outside until those people left before entering the store.  Those are the kinds of things we did in order to avoid immodesty in the world around us and "protect" our children.

I wonder how many of us remember taking our boys to the mall or strolling through department store's lingerie section or walking past Victoria Secret.  How many moms covered our boys' eyes so they wouldn't see the mannequins in their sexy bras and thong panties.   How many of you former BGBC members just cringed reading this?  Did Julie Anne really type "sexy bras" and "thongs"?   Yes, I did - lol!  I might be pushing that comfort line for some of you.    I wonder how our boys felt when we physically covered their eyes with our hands?  Did they find it embarrassing to have their mother's hands across their eyes in front of pure strangers?

Modesty was a bid deal at church.  On one occasion, a young lady came to the church during a time we were having Praise and Worship practice.  This was after hours on a Saturday.  The pastor answered answered the door, but quickly excused himself and got a woman from the Praise and Worship team to talk with her because he claimed she was dressed immodestly.  I wonder how she would have felt knowing the pastor did not talk to her because she was not dressed properly?   I now wonder what the lady from the Praise and Worship team told her as to why the pastor didn't want to talk to her.   Is this not sending the message:  "I can't talk to you because your outward appearance does not measure up to my Christian dress code standards?"  Ouch!

Try to imagine why a stranger might come to the door of a church?  Perhaps she was someone in dire need of help - maybe a financial situation, perhaps emotional or maybe she just someone to talk to.  If someone got the impression that they wouldn't be accepted because of their attire - I wonder how that would make them feel loved and welcomed?

One year a very new Christian came to the church camp in WA.   This sweet young Christian was cognizant of the church's modesty issues and asked her friends if what she was wearing was appropriate for the camp out.  Her friends told her she was fine.  When she got to camp, she was given an obvious stare down by a prominent woman in the church.  She was puzzled.  Eventually, she went up to the woman asking if there was something wrong with the way she was dressed.  The woman told her she was dressed very immodestly.  This was the same outfit that her other friends had said was fine.  Imagine the shame and guilt this young Christian felt at being scorned for dressing "immodestly".   There are many, many more stories like this of Modesty Police issuing verbal scornful citations to church members.  You get the idea.

 . . . . to be continued . . . .

Legalism: Do Not Expose Your Thighs!

And in vain they worship Me,
Teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.

Matthew 15:9 

My family didn’t have too many problems with modesty.  Prior to coming to BGBC, we didn’t have any “formal” teaching on modesty.   It was a natural and seemingly obvious idea that one would dress in a way that would reflect an image that Christ would want us to have.  If God seemed concerned with the heart, so should we.  If certain clothing invited roaming eyes to zero in on specific body parts, then it made sense to avoid those styles of clothing.  This was a simple solution with no rigid rules, just basic common sense.

At BGBC, we were told how we should and should not dress - specific guidelines, such as do not expose skin above the knees - especially the thighs.  We found very quickly that there was a lot of attention focused on this issue - and in my opinion, a very unhealthy amount of attention.  In another post I will discuss how I believe the modesty rules backfired.

BGBC Non-Sanctioned Shorts, drawn by 9-yr old resident artist

My son is 6’8”.  Yes, he’s a very tall drink of water.  It is very hard to find pants to fit him because not only is he tall, but he is very thin.  While there are Big & Tall stores for tall men, I've yet to see a Skinny & Tall store.  I was thrilled one day to find some shorts that seemed quite long.  This kid has never been picky about clothes and has always been so appreciative of the clothes I get for him and he was happy to wear his new shorts - the longest ones he had ever had.  I remember my heart ached when I overheard a teen tell another friend that my son's shorts were still too short.  They were knee length, but I'm sure more skin was showing when he was sitting down.  Was I expected to sew my son shorts the BGBC-approved length since there were none to be found in local stores AND on the internet?  Ugh! 

Thankfully, at the time, I did not take it personally, but realized that this was one aspect of what happens in a church with legalism:  people act unloving and unkind because the rules are more important than the heart of the people.  Some got caught in this trap of judging whether each others' clothes would pass the modesty test and talked amongst each other when someone violated the rules.   

Legalism,  which is an aspect of many spiritually abusive churches, robs us of deep relationships.  It forces one to focus so much on the rules and externals, it's hard to look beyond them.  It pushes people away from you because they feel like they are being judged - and they very well could be.  I tell you, it's nice to be at a place finally where I can see people for who they are without distraction of their tattoos, short hemline, cleavage showing, bulging biceps, piercings, you name it.  When you start accepting and loving people for who they are, those externals really are only external. 

LEGALISM: Teaching for doctrines the commandments of men (Matthew 15:9)

• Adding basic rules to a faith which makes it more exclusive and isolated from "outsiders" who do not think, act, or believe as the "true" believers do is called LEGALISM.

• Legalistic groups have their own authority figures who provide the rules "their" people are to live by. These leaders have answers for everything and their rules are considered nearly equal to the authority of the Bible.

• Legalistic leaders see themselves as more than just leaders. They feel better, more spiritual and have fewer failings and temptations than "their" people. They become spiritual detectives looking for raised hem lines or hair over the collar as if these things prove what "their" people are really like inside. Abuse of power follows.

• Members are to look to their leaders for the "standard"; how they should think, what they should do, and how they should dress.

• The system teaches that the leaders know best and to challenge them is to challenge God.

• As one chooses to become part of a legalistic system his or her freedom to choose is quickly lost. Appearances and associations become most important. If a member is confused about something the fault is with the member and not with the group.

• Legalism emphasizes externals more than internals and people learn that appearance is more important than what they are on the inside and one's life becomes a performance benefit for those who may be watching. (http://www.thelyingtruth.info/vot/legalism.php)