John Piper and the Church on Domestic Violence

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves;

    ensure justice for those being crushed.

⁹ 

Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless,

    and see that they get justice.

Proverbs 31:8-9

In an earlier post, Domestic Violence:  Do Pastors Know Best?, I posted a video of a question and answer session in which John Piper was asked about domestic violence.  The video is several years old, but his words created quite a storm.  Here were some of the troubling words:

If it’s not requiring her to sin but simply hurting her, then I think she endures verbal abuse for a season, and she endures perhaps being smacked one night, and then she seeks help from the church.   

~John Piper

Enduring abuse "one night" could be a woman's last night in the hands of a violent husband.  This was not the correct response.  These words were not appropriate from a very popular celebrity pastor who leads a large church and whose words people respond to and respect.  His response in the video gives a free pass for an abuser to continue destructive abuse and keeps a woman and her children in harm's way without acknowledging that some abuse is a crime and must be reported to civil authorities.  A wife enduring abuse is not always in the best position to make appropriate decisions.  They need help from clear-minded individuals who are looking out for their safety.  John Piper failed to protect her and possibly many others who listened to his response.  

  
Last week, Piper released a response to this video and so I wanted to let you know about this recent statement.  He's a few years late in responding, in my opinion:  Clarifying Words on Wife Abuse.  Although Piper is now clear that calling civil authorities is appropriate in cases of crime, there is one thing glaringly missing from this clarification - an apology - especially an apology to those women who heeded his instructions to "endure perhaps being smacked for one night."  This was abhorrent advice.  I wonder how many women endured one more night of abuse based on this video?  They trusted this man of God and his words.  

Dee and Deb,  of the Wartburg Watch blog and I sometimes accidentally and/or intentionally piggy back on similar stories.  I found out today that we did it again.   We share the same heart for victims of abuse.  Please do read Dee's excellent article:  Domestic Violence, Christmas, John Piper, SGM, and TGC.  She takes a closer look at a number of questionable phrases from Piper's article.  It's a very informative article.  



I do not think the timing of Piper's article coming out is coincidental.  A number of bloggers have done articles on this obnoxious video and his teachings on divorce/abuse (Cry for Justice, Wartburg Watch, BGBC Survivors, From Bitter Waters, Under Much Grace, Galations 4, Free Jinger, Reformed Traveler, Emotional Abuse and Your Faith, etc).  What I believe is happening is that bloggers are highlighting this behavior and readers/people are responding.  They are responding in comments on blogs like mine, on the blogs of leaders, they are sending e-mails and challenging leaders on these topics.  Thank YOU if you have done this.  


Jeff Crippen has come out strongly against domestic abuse in an open letter to pastors: 

 Abuse and Pastors: An Open Letter from a Pastor to Pastors 

In November, I wrote a post (Complementarians Speak out about Violence Against Women) about the many church leaders and pastors who wrote articles against domestic violence coinciding with the: International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.


All of this recent focus on abuse is no coincidence.  It makes sense in light of the Sovereign Grace Lawsuit that surely looms in the heads of friends  Sovereign Grace pastors and leaders, especially president of SGM, CJ Mahaney, who is named in the lawsuit.  I would like to highlight an earlier blog post featuring a video by attorney Gilion Dumas: A Word of Encouragement to Abuse Victims Who Use Civil Litigation.  In cases of overlooked abuse and failure to respond or report crimes, pastors are also crossing the lines in the civil government.  They have a moral responsibility to society to report crimes.  


Based on the many comments and stories I have read of domestic violence in Sovereign Grace Ministries churches, it would not be surprising to see the current class action lawsuit revised to include additional cases of abuse, including domestic violence.  Even if it doesn't, the Sovereign Grace Ministries lawsuit is the lawsuit to watch among church leaders.     


The purpose of this blog is to highlight spiritual abuse.  When pastors and church leaders fail to address ANY abuse appropriately in the context of church, they become complicit with the abuse.  A failure to address abuse is a choice to remain silent.  Church leaders will have to answer to God for this non-response.  Remaining silent is the wrong response and leads to secondary abuse:  spiritual abuse.  Let's continue to be the squeaky wheel on behalf of victims who cannot speak for themselves (Proverbs 31:8-9).  

photo credit: United Nations Photo via photopin cc

SGM Flagship Church Covenant Life Church to Cut Ties with Sovereign Grace Ministries

Reports are just coming in from SGMSurvivors.com that members of Covenant Life Church under head pastor, Josh Harris, have voted to sever ties with their parent, Sovereign Grace Ministries (SGM).

This is a very big decision.  Joshua Harris was mentored by SGM's president, C.J. Mahaney for several years before C.J. turned the reigns over to Josh as  pastor.  

Source

93% affirmation shows a solid majority wanting to change directions.    Good for them!   It will be interesting to see how this plays out with the SGM lawsuit.  

My hope and prayer is that they will throw away the SGM polity and start fresh with much more member involvement.  They will have a lot of work ahead of them, but this was a necessary start.  We need to pray for those folks as they maneuver unchartered waters on their own.

Complementarians Speak out about Violence Against Women

“Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless.  

 Not to speak is to speak.  Not to act is to act.”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Today, Novermber 25, was the day designated as the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women:

"Millions of women and girls around the world are assaulted, beaten, raped, mutilated or even murdered in what constitutes appalling violations of their human rights. [...] We must fundamentally challenge the culture of discrimination that allows violence to continue. On this International Day, I call on all governments to make good on their pledges to end all forms of violence against women and girls in all parts of the world, and I urge all people to support this important goal."

Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon

A number of leaders who promote complementarian teachings spoke out against the violence against women.  I am glad to see church leaders acknowledging the abuse of women and girls, especially among leaders who promote complementarianism from their pulpits or teachings.     If you are unfamiliar with the Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood and what complementarianism is, as I was a few months ago, here is a statement from their website defining their purpose:

In opposition to the growing movement of feminist egalitarianism, they articulated what is now known as the complementarian position which affirms that men and women are equal in the image of God, but maintain complementary differences in role and function. In the home, men lovingly are to lead their wives and family as women intelligently are to submit to the leadership of their husbands. In the church, while men and women share equally in the blessings of salvation, some governing and teaching roles are restricted to men.

Some of these people are connected with The Gospel Coalition, Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood,  and seeing them speak out against these abuses gives me hope that they take abuse of women seriously.   A few of the articles even mentioned that sometimes it is necessary to involve civil authority.  This seems to be a contrast to the way in which Sovereign Grace Ministries leaders/pastors handled many of the alleged abuse cases we read about in their recent lawsuit.  This illustrates quite profoundly that C. J. Mahaney and his pastors/leaders did not respond in a way that many of his peers would respond to alleged abuse.  You may recall, in most of the abuse stories we have read about online on survivor blogs, personal stories, and in the Sovereign Grace Ministries lawsuit, civil authorities were not notified.  The crime was labeled as "sin" and dealt with in a so-called "biblical" fashion within the church.  

Reader "An Attorney" offers additional insight for the abused woman:  Help the woman get to a shelter with her children, or provide that shelter.  Help her identify an attorney to deal with the legal issues. Help her get a protective order and access to the home. In many states, an abused woman can get an order granting her a car (of one or two the couple own), the house or apartment, the furnishings other than his clothes, and the bank accounts (short term, but in the long term, 1/2 of the cash and investments).  Help her get and keep custody of the children.

I would like to highlight a few of the articles posted on 11/25.  The first article is by Mary Kassian.  

Here is Mary's bio:

Mary is a distinguished professor of Women’s Studies at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky, and is the author of several books including The Feminist Mistake and In My Father’s House.

And here are key snippets of Mary's article:

Statement on Abuse on the Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women

Complementarians believe that God created male and female as complementary expressions of His image. We believe that men bear a distinct responsibility to be protectors. When a husband abuses his wife, it’s a heinous betrayal of his responsibility and a grievous sin in the eyes of God.

Statement on Abuse
Adopted by the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood at its meeting in Lisle, Illinois in November, 1994.

• We understand abuse to mean the cruel use of power or authority to harm another person emotionally, physically, or sexually.

• We are against all forms of physical, sexual and /or verbal abuse.

• We believe that the biblical teaching on relationships between men and women does not support, but condemns abuse (Prov. 12:18; Eph. 5:25-29; Col. 3:18; 1 Tim. 3:3; Titus 1:7-8; 1 Pet. 3:7; 5:3).

• We believe that abuse is sin. It is destructive and evil. Abuse is the hallmark of the devil and is in direct opposition to the purpose of God. Abuse ought not to be tolerated in the Christian community.

• We believe that the Christian community is responsible for the well-being of its members. It has a responsibility to lovingly confront abusers and to protect the abused.

• We believe that both abusers and the abused are in need of emotional and spiritual healing.

• We believe that God extends healing to those who earnestly seek him.

• We are confident of the power of God’s healing love to restore relationships fractured by abuse, but we realize that repentance, forgiveness, wholeness, and reconciliation is a process. Both abusers and abused are in need of on-going counseling, support and accountability.

• In instances where abusers are unrepentant and/or unwilling to make significant steps toward change, we believe that the Christian community must respond with firm discipline of the abuser and advocacy, support and protection of the abused.

• We believe that by the power of God’s Spirit, the Christian community can be an instrument of God’s love and healing for those involved in abusive relationships and an example of wholeness in a fractured, broken world.

Julie Anne's note:  Do you notice something missing in the above?  The above statement which is the most current statement from the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (CBMW) very clearly acknowledges abuse.  That is good.  But they failed to acknowledge that violence against women is a CRIME.  There is also no mention of involving authorities when there is abuse.  That omission is wrong.  


Mary's article continues:

I emailed Wayne Grudem earlier this week to ask what he would like to communicate to complementarian pastors on this Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. This is what he said:

I strongly deplore any abuse of wives by their husbands and I believe the Bible teaches clearly against it. When pastors learn about abuse occurring in a home in their congregation, they have an obligation before God to seek to bring an immediate end to it, through direct personal conversation with the abuser, support of the abused, professional counselling, through means such as church discipline, protective personal intervention in dangerous situations, using law enforcement and other legal pressures, extensive prayer, and, if necessary, legal separation. Pastors also need to encourage their church members and attenders to tell someone in church leadership if abuse is occurring, so that appropriate means can be brought to bring an immediate end to it.  Nobody in a leadership role in CBMW thinks that abuse within a marriage is justified by the biblical teachings about husbands and wives.

Wayne Grudem, Ph.D., Research Professor, Phoenix Seminary, and co-founder and past president of CBMW

I'm very pleased to read Wayne Grudem's response above.  Notice he does discuss using law enforcement and also mentions legal separation.  Finally!  Someone needs to change CBMW's statement on abuse to incorporate utilizing legal separation and notifying law enforcement when suspected illegal activity has taken place. 


Dr. Russell Moore also left a public response on his blog.  He is the Chairman of the Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.  Here is his bio:

Russell D. Moore is Dean of the School of Theology and Senior Vice President for Academic Administration at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, where he also serves as Professor of Christian Theology and Ethics.

I was very pleased with Russell's strong words against spousal abuse.  He does mention getting the law involved, if necessary.  The whole article is very good, please take the time to read it.  I underlined the references of reporting to legal authorities.  

The Church & Violence Against Women 

Male violence against women is a real problem in our culture, one the church must address. Our responsibility here is not simply at the level of social justice but at the level of ecclesical justice as well.

“A man who hits you has surrendered his headship, and that is the business both of the civil state in enacting public justice and of this church in enacting church discipline.”

"In the public arena, Christians as citizens should be the most insistent on legal protections for women. We should oppose a therapeutic redefinition of wife abuse as merely a psychological condition. And we should call on the powers-that-be to prosecute abusers of women and children in ways that will deter others and make clear society’s repugnance at such abuse. "

"Whatever our views on specific economic policies, we must recognize that much economic hardship of women in our age is the result of men who abandon their commitments. We should eschew obnoxious “welfare queen” rhetoric and work with others of goodwill to seek economic and social measures to provide a safety net for single mothers and abused women in jeopardy. We should join with others, including secular feminists, in seeking legal protections against such manifestations of a rape culture as sexual harassment, prostitution, and sex slavery."

Owen Strachan is one more public leader who responded to the occasion.  Owen is Assistant Professor of Christian Theology and Church History at Boyce College in Louisville, Kentucky and also teaches at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.  Additionally, he is a writer for the Gospel Coalition.


In Owen Strachan's article, he very succinctly identifies himself as a complementarian, describing what he perceives as his role as husband and how he would handle a situation of spousal abuse.  He writes a hypothetical letter to Bob, an abusive husband.  I will highlight a few paragraphs, but please read the article.  You can see that he, even as a complementarian, has very high regard for the protection and care of wives.  I enjoyed his Dear Bob letter very much.  

Why Abusive Men Repudiate True Manhood: Letter to an Abusive Husband

Dear Bob:

It has come to my attention that you are abusing your wife verbally and physically.  Knowing this, I am trying not to tremble as I write.  There is nothing worse than the strong mistreating the weak.

Please know this: your abuse of your wife in the name of Christian leadership is a direct repudiation of true manhood.  You think that the expulsive exercise of your strength is warranted by Scripture.  You think that it shows that you are a man.  Actually, it shows your depravity.

Owen then discusses the complementarian view using scripture in Ephesians to support his views.   We then read his views of Bob's behaviors in light of his interpretation of scripture.  These are strong words showing he understands abuse as abuse, not as accepted behavior for a "man of God".

Your present pattern, Bob, looks like Satanic headship.  You are attacking and tearing down.  The biblical pattern is Christic headship, sacrificial, others-centered, offered in order that others might flourish and thrive.  If you do not cease your ways, the elders of your church will “deliver [you] to Satan for the destruction of the flesh” (1 Cor. 5:6).  If you are bent on destroying your loved ones, you will face the prospect of a life outside the church, which places the soul in danger of eternal destruction if gospel repentance does not happen. 

And like Wayne Grudem, and Russell Moore, Alex also mentions bringing civil authorities into the picture in this paragraph (my underlines):

Repent of your sin.  It is a stench in God’s nostrils.  Were it not for your worth as an image-bearer, I would find it difficult not to threaten harm to you myself, and to bring many men with me.  As things stand, if you continue your pattern of abuse, I will indeed bring men with me, and we will rescue your wife and family, and we will not allow you to harm them.  We will bring the full force of the law crashing down upon you.  We are men of God; we are not weak; we are leaders and protectors of wives and children.  The Lord has saved us from our own wickedness and transformed us to be good to those he has given us.  As men of God, we are not scared of you.  We will surely stand up to you.  We urge you to stop your abuse, repent of your sin, and leave the pattern of destruction you have begun.

Can you imagine if this would have been the action taken in response to alleged abuse stories we have heard from Sovereign Grace Ministires?  Whoa Nellie!

And lastly, on the Gospel Coalition website, there is an article by Matt Smethurst entitled, Don't Mess With Her, Man.  This article acknowledges the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women and discusses male authoritarianism listing many Bible verses on "the sort of men who would ever dare harm their brides."   The verses are good, but again, I found the article lacking on what to do if there is abuse taking place.  There was no mention of contacting civil authorities if crimes were committed.  The verses discussed how women should be treated and behavior that God does not like.  They are missing the boat when they fail to address practical applications such as reporting to authorities.  I left a comment on the website and we'll see if they allow it to remain.  It wouldn't be the first time I've had a comment removed from The Gospel Coalition website (hmm, wonder why?).

These public posts encourage me to some extent because they are identifying real abuse issues, instead of ignoring them.  Yet I remain puzzled.  And I think a lot of that puzzlement is due to what I see behind the scenes.  It makes me curious to know if these leaders are just using the right words on this special day to highlight abuse or if they will really put their money where their mouth is and bring harsh action upon abusers? 

And then my mind drifts to stories we've read of church leaders who have covered up alleged abuse (such as Sovereign Grace Ministries, Calvary Chapel, etc).  What if your close friend was a leader of a church who covered up abuse and failed to report alleged abuse to authorities?   How would you handle that situation?  Do you have an obligation to say something - - - even if your friend's church was out of your "jurisdiction"?      I think you do.  If you don't say anything, how many more victims will there be?  

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Addendum:  Pastor Jeff Crippen's blog post today caught something that I missed in Wayne Grudem's comment above.  Here are a couple key thoughts:

Notice once again the glaring absence of any affirmation that divorce is a biblical means of dealing with abuse.  Abuse victims/survivors will quickly understand that this statement dooms victims to a lifetime of working to “restore relationships”, to “involvement in a process of reconciliation,” of “ongoing counsel and support,” but divorce?  Forget it.  Remarriage?  Forget it.  Abusers love this sort of talk.  If the victim will just believe God and trust Him and keep doing all she can, God can bring her abuser to repentance and they can live happily ever after.  That is a fairy tale.  [Also notice that they tell the victims that they need counseling too.  For what?  PTSD?  That would be fine.  But I suspect this "counseling" is going to me more of the ilk of "you aren't perfect either, you know."]

As long as any theologian, author, or organization refuses to tell victims that they can divorce their abuser because the abuser has already treacherously divorced them by ongoing, hard-hearted violation of the marriage covenant, then my ears are deaf to everything else they have to say.  That is too bad, because I do think that Grudem and CBMW have done some good and have published some excellent books.  I just cannot hear them though as long as they continue to sentence abuse victims to ongoing bondage.  [I refuse to use the ESV Study Bible for this reason.  Grudem's notes in the back forbid divorce for abuse].

Reader "Sad" notified me in the comments of another article from Jonathan Leeman of 9Marks:  Violence against Women and Church Discipline:

As in other cases of clear and unrepentant sin, abuse can and often should be grounds for excommunication from the church. Rather than simply explain this, I thought it might be helpful to offer a sample of the kind of church discipline letter our church will send. (This particular letter does not refer to an actual situation.) No doubt, a letter like the following presumes that the elders have already been working with the individual, and for one reason or another they determine that the man's profession of faith is no longer credible by virtue of his actions.

Following up on Jeff Crippen's thoughts above, I wonder if Jonathan Leeman's church (or any of the other blog authors for that matter) would consider "divorce" as an option?  If the husband fails to repent and change his ways, is the wife to remain legally separated for the rest of her days?  




photo credit: devastar via photopin cc

Judge Refuses to Drop Charges in Oklahoma Failure to Report Case

One of my big pet peeves is pastors or church leaders who fail to report cases of suspected abuse to civil authorities.  I found an update on a case mentioned earlier in this post:  

Mandatory Reporting Laws for Clergy: Loopholes for Abuse

Here is the new update:

Okla. Judge Refuses to Drop Child Abuse Charges Against Victory Christian Center

Two youth pastors from the Victory Christian Center megachurch in Tulsa, Okla., failed in their attempt to convince a district judge to drop the charges against them, after they were accused of failing to notify police in a timely manner of child abuse that happened on church property.

John and Charica Daugherty, the son and daughter-in-law of Victory Christian Center senior pastor Sharon Daugherty, appeared in court on Monday, where Assistant District Attorney Kali Strain explained that Special Judge Sarah Smith denied the defense's motion to dismiss the charges.

The Daughertys are among five employees charged with taking over two weeks to report the rape of a 13-year-old girl in August, which occurred inside a building owned by the church. The youth pastors have defended themselves by saying that they reported the crime to Human Services, and are not responsible for the fact that police did not get the details until two weeks later.

The District Court has insisted, however, that state laws are clear and that the pastors knew they should have acted sooner, but didn't. This means that they are due back in court on Dec. 12, along with the three other church employees who also failed to report the crime on time. Tulsa World reports that the other defendants in the case include Victory Christian Center staff members Paul Howard Willemstein, the associate youth pastor; Anna Alisa George, the high school outreach program director; and Harold Frank Sullivan, the former human resources director.

Jason Robertson, the Daughertys' attorney, told the San Francisco Chronicle that although they hoped Judge Smith would have consider granting the dismissal, her decision is not entirely surprising.

"Motions to dismiss are rarely granted in a criminal case," Robertson said.

I hope my former pastor is reading this as well as any other pastors or church leaders who think they might want to use loopholes to fail to report crimes.  This is not good news for people involved in the SGM lawsuit.  People do not look kindly on this practice anymore. It's time to care for and defend victims of abuse appropriately.    Amen.

Courtship: The Background and Negative Outcomes

Soon I will begin posting personal courtship stories, so it might be helpful to get a little background of the history of courtship.  The courtship model is unquestionably a part of the culture of many conservative churches, conservative Christian groups, and promoted by leaders in the homeschooling community.  Some groups who have embraced the courtship model are:  Sovereign Grace Ministries (SGM), Doug Wilson, Family Integrated Churches (such as Household of Faith Community Churches),  ATI and Institute in Basic Life Principles by Bill Gothard, Steve and Terri Maxwell of Titus2.com,  Mike and Debi Pearl of No Greater Joy, Vision Forum - Doug Phillips, etc.  The Maxwells and Pearls are families who homeschool, full-quiver, speakers, authors, and promote courtship.  I'm sure there are more.

Bill Gothard taught a form of courtship in the 70s.  I remember reading documents and listening to Jonathan Lindvall cassette tapes on courtship in the early 90s called Youthful Romance.  I've read that Jonathan got his material from Bill Gothard who founded Institute in Basic Life Principles.

In 1997, Senior Pastor Josh Harris, the pastor at SGM's flagship church, Covenant Life Church, wrote a very popular book called, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." when he was only 21 years old.  This book underscored what many church and homeschool leaders were saying all along, that modern dating is not healthy and recommended an alternative to recreational dating, courtship.   Josh had been in the limelight from an early age because his father, homeschool pioneer and pillar, Gregg Harris, took him on his speaking tours at homeschool conventions from state to state.  I remember seeing Josh manning his father's book table at homeschooling conferences.    

Josh Harris was already popular among homeschoolers because of the magazine, New Attitude, he published from 1994-1997.  The magazine's readership was focused on homeschooled teens.  When Harrris published I Kissed Dating Goodbye in '97, it was well-received in homeschooling circles, but also ventured into mainstream Christianity.   I Kissed Dating Goodbye highlighted the negative aspects of recreational dating practices and provided a seemingly healthier and new alternative:  courtship.  

I was 21-years old when I wrote my story of giving up the dating game in order to focus on serving God. The hope behind it was that other singles would be helped by some of the lessons I was learning. Most people have an opinion about "that book about not dating." Some love it; others despise it. I'd encourage you not to assume you know what it says without having read it. Many readers who start out critics of I Kissed Dating Goodbye are surprised to learn that the core message of the book isn't about "dating," but living your life for God. ~Josh Harris

Years later, Josh Harris wrote Boy Meets Girl:  Say Hello to Courtship.  

Here is the description from Amazon:

Purpose Driven Romance 
The last thing singles want is more rules. But if you’re looking for an intentional, God-pleasing game plan for finding a future spouse, Joshua Harris delivers an appealing one. A compelling new foreword, an all-new “8 Great Courtship Conversations” section, and updated material throughout makes this five-year revision of the original Boy Meets Girl a must-have! Harris illustrates how biblical courtship—a healthy, joyous alternative to recreational dating—worked for him and his wife. Boy Meets Girl presents an inspiring, practical example for readers wanting to pursue the possibility of marriage with someone they may be serious about. 

The summaries of these books come across as fairly decent, in fact, a lot of it still appeals to me today.  However, there has been a culture that has evolved since these books were published - not just at Sovereign Grace churches where Harris pastors, but throughout the interconnectivity of churches, homeschool groups, conferences, the internet, etc.  

Josh Harris received a lot of feedback on both books, including negative feedback, and he tried to address those issues in an attempt to clear things up in a sermon called, Courtship Smourtship which can still be found here.

I found an old comment by Kris (blog moderator from SGMSurivvors.com) from April of 2008 on the I Kissed Dating Goodbye blog.  I realize this is an old comment, but it helps to illustrate how this courtship concept caught on and developed a life of its own in a negative way.

Kris Says: April 30, 2008 at 9:43 pm
It was my observation at our SGM church that the attitudes Josh Harris preached against in “Courtship Smourtship” were alive and well…and this was at least 2 years after he preached that sermon. Actually, “alive and well” wouldn’t do it justice. The paranoia about male-female interactions and the idea that “guarding one’s heart” meant running the other direction in the face of ANY sort of attraction – those attitudes were stronger and more pervasive than ever at the SG church we attended.

I don’t think any of the folks knew of Harris’ sermon. Or, if they had, by that time they’d taken his ideas and run with them to such an extent that they’d turned the courtship system into some sort of foolproof immorality-and-heartbreak-prevention-system.

Honestly, I believe that at our SG church, anyway, courtship was more about parents who wanted to control every aspect of their children’s lives than it was about actual purity. Purity may have been one of these parents’ well-intentioned goals for their kids, but purity can be accomplished in other ways, like equipping young adults to MAKE GOOD DECISIONS, rather than setting up a bunch of stringent rules for their kids to follow…and a weird artificial process for finding a mate.

I think what disgusted me the most was to watch people’s responses to the one successful courtship at our church that had actually ended in marriage. Everybody thought that this couple had lived out the absolute ideal. Yet (and granted, I could be wrong, as I did not know this girl that well) I got the distinct feeling, from my position as an observer, that the girl in this couple was woefully ill-prepared for marriage to the young man. She seemed very stiff and uncomfortable whenever the two of them were together in public. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for her, to go from living with her parents (she was about 20, had never been to college and had never held a real job aside from giving piano lessons to some of the other kids from church) to – within a period of about 3 months – having gone through a whirlwind courtship with someone she’d hardly spent any time alone with, to being engaged, to getting married to him.

I should probably quit this rant. But courtship and the legalistic excesses that I witnessed are subjects that really get me hot under the collar, almost more than anything else within SGM. There are extremes that NOBODY could ever address in a single sermon.

Here is a response to Kris' comment - - someone's personal experience of this courtship, purity, father-owning-daughter's-heart culture.  Read how church leaders used their authority in ways that were really out of line.  It's sad.

Fundamentalism Survivor Says: March 24, 2011 at 6:14 pm

That’s bad. But it gets carried to even greater extremes in other churches, where people’s paranoia and subjective interpretations of the book are involved.

The doctrines of this man (Josh Harris), difficult enough in themselves, provide a ready platform for fundamentalist hypocrisy in the church. Fanatical proponents of “Kissed Dating Goodbye” methodology ultimately trashed my reputation in my old church (it was found out I “went too far” with my ex-fiance). They stalked around with lists of requirements for their future wife/husband. The sexes avoided each other and were embittered. Elders/deacons kids got a lot more freedom even though they weren’t above messing around at times. The singles had a gossip network by which others were “warned” as to who was “marriage material” and who was NOT. If you didn’t make the lucky few, people were distantly polite & emotionally absent in the youth group; you didn’t have a chance at making friends.

Josh, I don’t believe you intended for extremes to happen. But you have muddied the pond for a couple of generations now. Many of us are so cynical that we have resigned ourselves to singleness. Some of us had meaningful, pure relationships with Christian sisters that have been destroyed because of confusion on topics like “emotional purity” (we don’t want to cheat on our future spouses by opening up). You are in a position of great recognition and authority. You have the responsibility to set a better example…”

Who is to blame for all of these legalistic excesses?  I cannot be sure.  It seems Josh has tried to clear up some misunderstandings, but there is definitely something still amiss in this "courtship culture".  I personally don't think Josh Harris is to blame for what has occurred in the homeschool movement and courtship culture, but the books played a part.  

I believe the problem occurred when pastors, leaders, and fathers went above and beyond what is normal involvement in the lives of their congregants and used their power to control and shame their flock/adult children.  

C.J. Mahaney's Philosophy on Friends: Don't Bite the Hand that Feeds You

"For you yourselves know, brothers, that our coming to you was not in vain. But though we had already suffered and been shamefully treated at Philippi, as you know, we had boldness in our God to declare to you the gospel of God in the midst of much conflict. For our appeal does not spring from error or impurity or any attempt to deceive, but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts. For we never came with words of flattery, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed—God is witness. ..."1 Thessalonians 2:1-20 ESV

It's been over a month since Sovereign Grace Ministries (SGM), C.J. Mahaney and others were named in a lawsuit for mishandling of sex abuse cases, etc.  I've been following this story for over 5 years because the spiritual abuse tactics and how they handled sex abuse cases in the church resembled what I experienced at my former church (the same church/pastor who sued me and 4 others for defamation for $500,000).  Reading this post, we will discover another pattern used by these types of pastors.  It's an important pattern to note.  

Some may recall that last year, C.J. Mahaney stepped down from his position as president, taking a leave of absence to do some soul searching on accusations brought before him.  Some of these accusations stemmed from a 600-page document written by Brent Detwiler which was released on the internet.  Instead of C.J.  remaining at his home church, Covenant Life Church (CLC), to deal with his issues and putting himself around his church's elders for accountability, he went to his BFF's (best friends forever) church, Mark Dever at Capitol Hill Baptist to hide  worship.  Those who have been involved with SGM have stated that no other pastor or leader would have been allowed to leave a SGM church while being under scrutiny, but the pattern we see in these kinds of churches is that the leaders don't have to go by the same set of rules that they enforce on other pastors/leaders.  JA conclusion:  C.J. Mahaney thinks he is special and gets a free pass to do as he pleases without regard to the rules he has set in place for those beneath him.  

One other notable aspect of C.J. is his many close buddies.  Immediately after C.J. publicly announced that he was going to be taking a leave of absence, a number of his celebrity pastor BFFs came to his defense publicly:  Al Mohler (this article is really good, btw), Ligon Duncan, Ray Ortlund, etc.  

Many bloggers, including yours truly, have been watching and waiting for C.J.'s celebrity friends to issue some sort of public statement since the lawsuit went public.

What is the response from C.J.'s friends?  zilch, nothing, squat, nada!!  

Blog queens, Deb and Dee from The Wartburg Watch have been keeping track of the number of days  gone by without a response and have it posted on their blog front and center here:  

It really makes you wonder why are these celebrity pastors silent?  

It looks like CJ's buddies don't have a problem with this lawsuit as evidenced by this:

The 2013 National Conference of the Gospel Coalition lists C.J. Mahaney as one of the speakers.  Take special note of who else is speaking:  C.J.'s good friends!!!  Here are just a few:

"These are grumblers, malcontents, following their own sinful desires; they are loud-mouthed boasters, showing favoritism to gain advantage."Jude 1:16 ESV

Ok, so why would these guys want to share a platform with someone who has so much controversy?  Quite a few SGM churches are leaving the group because of all the controversy.  What about those folks?  Are their arguments valid?  The stories we have read about abuse cover-ups are shocking.  Do C.J.'s buddies not care?  Are they not concerned about the spiritual abuse and sexual abuse cover-ups that have been made public?  Why are they willing to overlook it?  My brain demands, WHY????????????

And then I noticed C.J.'s Twitter account.  A lot of celebrity pastors are taking advantage of social media, like Twitter, to connect with people who follow them.  Check this out - - - as of the time of this screen shot, C.J. has over 23,510 followers.  Presumably most of his followers are people who want to hear what he has to say and probably a good many of them have a lot of respect for him.  That's quite a platform of followers, isn't it, when can you say something and have 23,510 people read your words in an instant?  Whoa!

I am following him because I want to know what he's saying to his wide audience.  Well, I've been getting an "earfull".

Check out C.J.'s recent tweets:

"For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people."

Romans 16:18 NIV

"I will not show partiality to any man or use flattery toward any person. For I do not know how to flatter, else my Maker would soon take me away."Job 32:21-22 ESV

Those are seemingly nice tweets, right?  But what do you notice about these tweets?  Notice the people connected with them?  Are you seeing what I'm seeing?  He's giving shoutouts to his friends - people he rubs shoulders with at conferences and people he endorses on book covers.  There's a big concentration of Al Mohler shout-outs - probably because SGM recently moved their headquarters to be near Mohler's Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.  This is an excellent article discussing Mohler's alliance with Mahaney.  Of course CJ is giving accolades to Mohler and endorsing his new book, Conviction to Lead.

Could this be why Al Mohler won't speak out against his good friend - - -  why Carson and DeYoung and Packer won't speak out?

Are you familiar with the expression:  "don't bite the hand that feeds you?"  That comes to mind as I read these tweets.  It would be pretty uncomfortable to be a close friend of CJ's and then speak out publicly against him when he is publicly endorsing you to literally thousands.  It sure seems that C.J. is flattering his friends into silence and they are too weak to stand up against it.  

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."
Hebrews 4:12 ESV