John Piper and the Church on Domestic Violence

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves;

    ensure justice for those being crushed.

⁹ 

Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless,

    and see that they get justice.

Proverbs 31:8-9

In an earlier post, Domestic Violence:  Do Pastors Know Best?, I posted a video of a question and answer session in which John Piper was asked about domestic violence.  The video is several years old, but his words created quite a storm.  Here were some of the troubling words:

If it’s not requiring her to sin but simply hurting her, then I think she endures verbal abuse for a season, and she endures perhaps being smacked one night, and then she seeks help from the church.   

~John Piper

Enduring abuse "one night" could be a woman's last night in the hands of a violent husband.  This was not the correct response.  These words were not appropriate from a very popular celebrity pastor who leads a large church and whose words people respond to and respect.  His response in the video gives a free pass for an abuser to continue destructive abuse and keeps a woman and her children in harm's way without acknowledging that some abuse is a crime and must be reported to civil authorities.  A wife enduring abuse is not always in the best position to make appropriate decisions.  They need help from clear-minded individuals who are looking out for their safety.  John Piper failed to protect her and possibly many others who listened to his response.  

  
Last week, Piper released a response to this video and so I wanted to let you know about this recent statement.  He's a few years late in responding, in my opinion:  Clarifying Words on Wife Abuse.  Although Piper is now clear that calling civil authorities is appropriate in cases of crime, there is one thing glaringly missing from this clarification - an apology - especially an apology to those women who heeded his instructions to "endure perhaps being smacked for one night."  This was abhorrent advice.  I wonder how many women endured one more night of abuse based on this video?  They trusted this man of God and his words.  

Dee and Deb,  of the Wartburg Watch blog and I sometimes accidentally and/or intentionally piggy back on similar stories.  I found out today that we did it again.   We share the same heart for victims of abuse.  Please do read Dee's excellent article:  Domestic Violence, Christmas, John Piper, SGM, and TGC.  She takes a closer look at a number of questionable phrases from Piper's article.  It's a very informative article.  



I do not think the timing of Piper's article coming out is coincidental.  A number of bloggers have done articles on this obnoxious video and his teachings on divorce/abuse (Cry for Justice, Wartburg Watch, BGBC Survivors, From Bitter Waters, Under Much Grace, Galations 4, Free Jinger, Reformed Traveler, Emotional Abuse and Your Faith, etc).  What I believe is happening is that bloggers are highlighting this behavior and readers/people are responding.  They are responding in comments on blogs like mine, on the blogs of leaders, they are sending e-mails and challenging leaders on these topics.  Thank YOU if you have done this.  


Jeff Crippen has come out strongly against domestic abuse in an open letter to pastors: 

 Abuse and Pastors: An Open Letter from a Pastor to Pastors 

In November, I wrote a post (Complementarians Speak out about Violence Against Women) about the many church leaders and pastors who wrote articles against domestic violence coinciding with the: International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.


All of this recent focus on abuse is no coincidence.  It makes sense in light of the Sovereign Grace Lawsuit that surely looms in the heads of friends  Sovereign Grace pastors and leaders, especially president of SGM, CJ Mahaney, who is named in the lawsuit.  I would like to highlight an earlier blog post featuring a video by attorney Gilion Dumas: A Word of Encouragement to Abuse Victims Who Use Civil Litigation.  In cases of overlooked abuse and failure to respond or report crimes, pastors are also crossing the lines in the civil government.  They have a moral responsibility to society to report crimes.  


Based on the many comments and stories I have read of domestic violence in Sovereign Grace Ministries churches, it would not be surprising to see the current class action lawsuit revised to include additional cases of abuse, including domestic violence.  Even if it doesn't, the Sovereign Grace Ministries lawsuit is the lawsuit to watch among church leaders.     


The purpose of this blog is to highlight spiritual abuse.  When pastors and church leaders fail to address ANY abuse appropriately in the context of church, they become complicit with the abuse.  A failure to address abuse is a choice to remain silent.  Church leaders will have to answer to God for this non-response.  Remaining silent is the wrong response and leads to secondary abuse:  spiritual abuse.  Let's continue to be the squeaky wheel on behalf of victims who cannot speak for themselves (Proverbs 31:8-9).  

photo credit: United Nations Photo via photopin cc

How Can Spiritual Abuse or a Controlling Pastor Destroy a Marriage?

I've been having discussions about how spiritual abuse affects marriages.  The abuse can occur in a somewhat direct fashion (such as Paul's story) or indirectly.  When I did a quick Google search on spiritual abuse and divorce, there was very little on the topic.  Yet since publishing Paul's story, I've had more people send their stories or mention they, too, have gone through divorce as a result of spiritual abuse and how it devastated their lives.  This is much bigger than I thought.  And it pains me to know that so many are dealing with this issue alone.  If I am describing your story, I want this message to be loud and clear:  you are NOT alone.  

I'm going to share a different slant than Paul's story.  It did not get to Paul's level of destruction, but looking back, I can see how it could be a setup for disaster.  

Pastor Coming Between Spouses in Unhealthy Ways

In our church, it struck me odd that our former pastor had long phone conversations (sometimes more than an hour) with married women while their husbands were away at work.  I had no indication in any of these situations that there was anything more than long phone conversations.  As far as I know, the topic remained on spiritual matters.   However, this sent warning signals to me - especially since the pastor had pretty strict guidelines about men/women and their interactions (do not be seen alone with someone of the opposite sex, do not be in a car alone with someone of the opposite sex, etc).  For the record, I think there is wisdom in setting some guidelines, don't get me wrong.

Here's a little background info.  This pastor had mentioned that he thought women should remain silent and not ask questions or add to the discussion during the various teaching times at church.  According to the pastor, this was so that men would step up to the plate and assume their spiritual authority in the home.  He felt that if women were doing most of the questioning and talking, men would be more inclined to sit quietly.  Having women remain quiet, he thought, would encourage men to engage in the discussion.  

So JA asks:  why did the pastor have long private phone conversations with wives instead of encouraging them to discuss this topic with their husbands?  Or why not include the husband in the conversation and/or schedule a meeting together?   I wonder how the pastor would have felt if my husband had telephoned his wife to engage in a spiritual discussion while he was at "work".  (JA's side commentary:  Spiritual Abuse 101 = Everybody obeys pastor's rules except the pastor.  OY!!)

Anyway, imagine the kind of intrusion into marriages this could cause.  Let's look at this hypothetical conversation between husband/wife based on the above scenario:

husband:  how did your day go, honey? 

wife:  fine.  I got a call from pastor. 

husband:  really?  again?  why? 

wife:  oh, we were discussing Romans 13.

husband:  why?   did you ask him to call you?  

wife:  no, he just called to talk about it.  he wanted to make sure I understood what he was talking about last Wednesday 

husband:  Oh.  hey, were you able to get my blue polo shirt washed?  I want to wear it tonight. 

wife:  no, sorry, didn't get around to it.  the phone call took too much time.

husband:  (deafening silence)

Ok  - that may be a lame (can you tell I live with teens?) conversation, but any number of scenarios could come up between a husband and wife when a pastor crosses  boundary lines in a marriage.  It can start out small, but eventually husband realizes that pastor is taking up a lot of his wife's time and energy.  It's not helping the marriage whatsoever.  The pastor has come between the husband and wife in their normal day-to-day affairs, rather than encouraging their togetherness.  He is undermining the marriage and the trap is set for an emotional connection between pastor and wife that could destroy a marriage.

Let me take a brief diversion to discuss how all of the above affects the bigger church.  The scenario I discussed brings up a whole lot of questions and I remember having crazy thoughts and feelings during the time.  Here's the deal.  People who knew this was going on were also affected in some way.  It affected husband/wife relationships and families.  It caused at a minimum, questions or concerns from those not personally involved.   I'd like to welcome you into the world of my head during that time.  Fasten your seat-belts, here goes:

Where were the husbands?   Did they think this was ok?   If they didn't think this was okay, did they bring this up with the pastor?  If not, why not?   

Did the pastor's wife know about these long conversations with other women?  How did she feel about them? 

What about kids who were at home who heard these long conversations with the pastor - did they think it was odd that their pastor kept calling their mom?  Why didn't mom have as much time for dad, but gave more time to their pastor?   

I also wondered how those particular women were selected and why he didn't call me.  Was I too spiritual or not spiritual enough?  Did I not ask the right questions?   

This seemed to create an inner circle and it brought back feelings of high school cliques and the "in" group.   Why was there an "in" group at church?  Why didn't I fit into the "in" group?  Was something wrong with me?  What does God think about "in" groups?

Knowing that my good friends were being called by the pastor left me intrigued and yet happy for them because in my mind I justified that a pastor would only be wanting the best for his people.   So I justified within myself that this was good, that he was helping them in their spiritual struggles.  They seemed to be so spiritually confused or have many more questions since coming here, so it appeared he was helping to settle their minds.   This must be good, right????

Yet, on the flip side, there was also a creepy, icky feeling going on.  This kind of thing was accepted there.   Should I question it?  Was I wrong for questioning it?  Why do I always question things?  I felt if I were to question it, I would be the odd person out, the stand-alone person, and that is not always a fun place to be.  

Do you see that crazy thinking going on in my head?  Some questions were good, but at the same time I made excuses, justified behaviors, wanted to believe the best, and even questioned myself.   What eventually happened to me was I ended up distancing myself a bit from my closer friends.  I could not condone what was going on, but also had a hard time speaking out against it.  I was confused.  It was not until months after leaving the church that my very close friend and I almost screamed to each other saying:  what was THAT all about?  We could then see it very clearly, that it was completely wrong.  We couldn't see it so clearly while we were there, but it became obviously wrong once leaving.  Living in a church like this makes your brain go crazy with this flip-fop reasoning.  Surely I was not the only one who had thoughts like this.  

Ok, let's go back to the topic on marriage and how controlling pastors or spiritually abusive pastors can affect or even destroy marriages.  

I noticed that Pastor Ken Garrett mentioned controlling pastors and how they could affect the marital relationship in his excellent blog post here:  1 Timothy 4:1-16 Study Notes: End Times Teachers, Fallen and Faithful.  Be sure to read it to get the full context.  

Here is a quote from Ken's blog post specifically addressing controlling pastors and their influence on marriage:

 Control of followers  

3 men who forbid marriage and advocate abstaining from foods which God has created to be gratefully shared in by those who believe and know the truth.

• These leaders will gravitate towards undue influence and control of some of the most routine and personal aspects of the lives of their followers, namely, personal-intimate relationships such as marriage, and the daily activities of life, such as eating.  It is common for those in controlling, abusive ministries to find that the influence of their leaders creeps into even their most intimate relationship—that of marriage.  This happens when the marriage relationship loses its intimacy, and even secrecy, and comes under the control and authority of a pastor or leader.  Bad leaders are suspicious of all relationships that are out of their reach and control—such as the relationship between a husband and wife.  

A healthy marriage is one in which husband and wife share openly and secretively with each other.  Communication is foundational.  I was struck by reader, 56 Years a Baptist's beautiful comment yesterday.  Here's the part that tugged at my heart and made tears well up in my eyes:

My healing came about through a person God brought into my life, my heart, and my home. We are still madly in love with each other, get over the rough spots through times set aside for conversation every day.

This one-on-one conversation builds the relationship and intimacy.   This  intimacy is sacred.  It must be respected and encouraged.  A pastor who interferes with this relationship is certainly not honoring the sacredness of marriage, nor the the integrity of the family.  

Can Spiritual Abuse Destroy a Marriage? Paul's Story

From time to time, I will be posting select personal spiritual abuse stories here.  There are a number of reasons to post stories of abuse.  We can learn from them to try to prevent it from happening again.  We can offer support.  Looking at someone's story might identify something we experienced and can validate our suspicions.   The confusion of dealing with a pastor who misuses or abuses his position as pastor can get so emotional and heady.  It's helpful to have a sounding board and this is a great place to do that.  It's also difficult to find people who understand.  People here do understand.  

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made from them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Matthew 19:4-6 

Losing a marriage to divorce is something that I have read in a number of spiritual abuse stories.  This is a tragedy.  I'd like to follow up this post with a post on the topic of divorce and spiritual abuse, looking deeper at what scripture has to say about how spiritual abuse can affect marriages.   

"Paul" sent me his story a while back.  It's a story of deception, abuse of power and control, illegal activity, and manipulation that resulted in the loss of his marriage.  He mentioned in an e-mail to me today that he wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.  Ouch!  Paul's loss is great.  

I have informed Paul that I would be posting his story soon.  When we discuss this story, please keep in mind that Paul's divorce is nearly final.  This is fresh and raw for him.  I would really like to use this opportunity to share our support and offer words of encouragement to our brother, Paul.  

Paul's words to me today:  "If one person will be saved from going through what I have been going through then all my pain is worth it."  

Amen to that!

Paul's Tragic Story of Divorce and Abuse  

I write this with plenty of emotions and sadness as I am right now facing one of the most difficult times of my life.  I too am a victim of Spiritual Abuse.  

My journey started back in 2004 when I was seeking a place of worship after going through a nasty divorce.  I ended up at the church where I was abused because there were some good friends of mine there.  It wasn’t long after I started there that I became active in the activities that were going on there.  The church was busy building a new sanctuary and with my past experience as a carpenter, I feel right in and began to help.  It wasn’t long before I had made some new friends and began to become interested in the Worship Leader who was also divorced and single.

My current occupation was a State Health Inspector where I regulated sewer, water and food for the State.  One of my main duties as a Health Inspector was to determine the size and discharge of sewer for residential and commercial facilities.  So with this knowledge I one day introduced myself to the Pastor and told him what I did for a living and that I could be of help when it was time to size the new sewer treatment plant that would be required for the new sanctuary.  

As we continued to proceed with the work on the new sanctuary, the Pastor never contacted me and I discovered that he had not pulled permits for a new sewer system, but decided to tie the new sanctuary into the existing sewer treatment system.  This was a violation of the State Sanitary Code and I felt like I needed to bring it to his attention, but I didn’t.  By this time, I was dating the Worship leader and my main attention was on that, and I tried to forget what I knew about the sewer.  I tried to convince myself that maybe he just didn’t know better.

The years slipped by and I married the Worship Leader in March of 2006.  We were now in our new building and I thought everything was fine.  I had even forgotten about the sewer incident.  Sometime in 2006, I began parking cars for the church and was parking cars for about 2 years when the Pastor came up with an idea how to make people commit to working around the church.  He announced that everyone would be required to sign a covenant sheet which would require them to remain at their preferred job for a six-month commitment.  Since I had now been parking cars for 2 years and didn’t believe in signing a covenant with a man,  I did not sign the covenant sheet.  

About a month after not signing the sheet, I was out parking cars one Sunday when I was approached by two of the ushers of the church with a sealed letter from the Pastor.  I was instructed to open and read the letter.  The letter was written by the Pastor and said that because I had refused to sign the covenant sheet, I would have to leave the parking lot.  I was then escorted off the parking lot by the two ushers.  This was when I realized that there was something seriously wrong with this Pastor and I began to watch everything he did.  

I scheduled an appointment to discuss the parking lot situation and was told that the covenant sheet was not for people like me, but that I would have to follow his instructions or he might lose control of those that needed such a commitment.  I told him that I still would not sign such a covenant sheet because I was working for the Lord, not the church.  

He then labeled me as a rebellious person.  It was about three weeks later he announced at the pulpit that all the covenant sheets were going to be destroyed and that he would never ask anyone to make a covenant with the church again, but willingness to work would be between you and the Lord.  But the damage between the Pastor and me had already been done.

It took me a couple years to put the parking lot incident behind me and begin to become active in the church again.  We were now working on our third and current sanctuary of which I spent time helping with the framing and finish work inside the church.  This was a large church that we were told would seat up to 1,500 people.  

Again, with my sewer knowledge, I did the calculations as to the size of the sewer treatment that would be required for such a large church.  One Sunday morning, I was walking around back of the church and discovered that a small residential sewer system had been installed to accommodate a kitchen which was added to the smaller church we were still in.  I found it funny that the sewer system was installed at such a great distance for the kitchen that it was serving.  I thought to myself, “I bet he is going to tie this large church into this small sewer system”.  I didn’t say anything to anyone but waited to see what would happen. 

We finished the work on the new sanctuary and moved into it in June of 2011.  Just as I expected, the new church was tied into the small residential sewer system.  This really upset me, but I still didn’t know what to do.  Remember, I was married to the Worship leader, and she was now on staff full-time.  

Sometime in July, my wife called and asked to help finish some work in a coffee shop that was being built inside the sanctuary.  One of the nights I was working, I asked the church Mission Pastor what type of business we were opening.  He told me he thought it was going to be a retail coffee shop with a cash register.  I told him that if the church retailed coffee though a cash register, it would be required to be permitted by the State.  He said he wasn’t aware of that, but would pass that information on to the Pastor.  

The very next night I was again working in the coffee shop and the Mission Pastor informed me that he had spoken to the Pastor who said that they were not going to have a cash register  -  they would put a jar on the counter for donations, and that he was not going to permit the shop.  I told him that was fine as long as they were not retailing. 

The coffee shop was finished along with a new expensive cash register and was now ready for the grand opening.  At this time, I was working in the sound booth and was pretty upset with the Pastor’s decision to put a cash register in the coffee shop when I told him it would be required to be permitted.  I shared my frustration with one other person, which was probably a mistake, other than my wife.  On the night of the Grand opening I told my wife I would not go into the coffee shop because I knew it was an illegal establishment.   

The next day the Pastor stopped my wife in the hall at church and asked why I didn’t attend the opening of the coffee shop.  She told him that I was upset that he didn’t permit the coffee shop as required by law.  On Monday of the following week, the Pastor sent instructions home through my wife for me to step down from all ministry work at the church and advised me to find another church where I might find Godly counsel on how to handle authority.  

Two days after I was told this, my wife called me from the church and told me that because of all that was going on between us, we would have to separate.  She left town for five days and when she came home,  asked me to move out of our house.  

I moved in with my daughter and the first thing I did was schedule a meeting with the Pastor.  This time when I met with him, I told him everything I knew about the sewer and the coffee shop.  He denied any wrongdoings at the church and only knew that the proper permits were pulled to install what was there.  He went on to say that there was nothing he could do to help with the separation of my wife and that I needed to seek Godly counsel.  

At the Wednesday night service, he announced from the pulpit that a member of the church had brought up false accusations about illegal activities about a sewer system that had been installed at the church. 

I stayed away from the church for two months and was finally allowed back home when I agreed to sit down with the Pastor and apologize for everything I had done.  This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do because I knew in my heart that I was right and he was wrong.  But I went and apologized and told him that I was finished with the coffee shop and the sewer.

Three months rolled around and I sat on the front row of the church and acted like nothing was wrong, but inside I was dying.  It was hard to listen to a Pastor preach the Bible knowing what I knew about him, but I sat there to support my wife who led the praise and worship.   

It just so happened that an independent sewer operator showed up at the church out of the blue looking for work.  He asked if he could look at the sewer system which was servicing the church and discovered the same thing I did.  The Pastor asked him if I had sent him there and was told that I had not.  

Because of the complexity of this situation, there is plenty I am leaving out, but I did find out that the Engineer who sized the sewer system down, sized it as a favor to a friend of the Pastor who was representing the church.  I found out about the independent operator because he is a friend of mine and he called to inform me how bad the situation was at the church.  He didn’t know I already knew.  

I tried to inform my wife of what had happened so that she would know that I had nothing to do with the Operator showing up there.  She told me that she believed me, but three days later came home and told me that we had to separate again because I still had ill feeling towards the Pastor.  I stayed away for a week and when I finally sat down to talk to her, she told me she was going to file for divorce because she had had enough.  I tried reasoning with her, but her mind was made up.   That is the day she  filed for divorce.

Hurt, confused, and depressed, the anger inside me finally surfaced and I called the State office and told them what I knew.  There is now a full investigation in progress to determine what laws were broken and how to fix the problem.  The Pastor was told that the coffee shop must be permitted and as of this typing, a decision has not been made as to the size of the sewer plant that will have to be installed. 

I have left the church and now I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered life.  My soon-to-be ex-wife has remained loyal to the church and to this day still makes excuses for the Pastors actions.