Blank Posts

Two times this week I have lost posts. It appears there is a known issue with iPads and Blogger when editing posts. Now that I know, I'll be sure to type my posts elsewhere and have a backup. My apologies to those who found blank posts twice this week. Everything is fine now.

 Blank Posts

Leadership Styles

I ran across an interesting blog article (that is noted in my sidebar).  There is a 5-part series called, "The Dark Side of Spiritual Abuse" at The Barnabas Blog written by Philip Harrelson.

Today I read Part 4 a number of times.  So much of it spoke out to me from my own personal experience or the experiences that others have shared with me.    

The blog author mentions the book, Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership, by Gary McIntosh and Samuel D. Rima, and from the book lists five types of leadership styles which can lead towards spiritual abuse:

• compulsive leader
• narcissistic leader
• paranoid leader
• co-dependent leader
• passive-aggressive leader

Reading through the examples of the characteristics was quite shocking.  I kept finding myself saying,  "wow, that's it!" over and over again. 

I think this book will be in my Amazon shopping cart shortly.   See if you find yourself nodding your head as you read the blog article.   I found Parts 3 and 4 especially informative. 

The Lawsuit

Sorry, my cat must have gotten the top of it.  This is the last page of the summons.

When I got home from taking my daughter to volleyball practice the other night, my husband told me that a person knocked at the door and hand-delivered some papers that he had to sign for.  I was handed a pile of legal-looking papers.  I want to inform my readers that Chuck O'Neal and Beaverton Grace Bible Church have filed a legal suit against me and 3 others for defamation with damages to the tune of $500,000.  The summary outlines snippets of quotes from review sites and blog comments.

Obviously it’s not every day that one is sued.  And it’s not very often that I deal with a dollar amount that has so many zeros behind it, but I had some initial thoughts regarding the summons. I first laughed at the absurdity of the whole thing (this seems to be a popular response). 

I also noticed a common phrase in my thoughts:  “what kind of pastor”.

What kind of pastor files lawsuits against Christians?   

Mary Fairchild writes an article for About.com on this topic of Christians suing here:  Should Christians Sue in Court .  Below we find Scripture dealing with this subject:

New International Version (NIV)
1 Corinthians 6
Lawsuits Among Believers
 1 If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? 2 Or do you not know that the Lord’s people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? 3 Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! 4 Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church? 5 I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? 6 But instead, one brother takes another to court—and this in front of unbelievers!
 7 The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? 8 Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters.

What kind of pastor files lawsuits, period?

What kind of pastor asks for exorbitant amounts of money from families/young adults on limited incomes?

Christians expect pastors to be examples of Christian character, modeling appropriate ways of dealing with conflict, bringing in other people when things get difficult to resolve.  We expect pastors to be able to take criticism and be able to answer questions.  We do not expect pastors to retaliate if they are asked questions or are criticized.  

This lawsuit is frustrating and also makes me sad.   I agree with scripture's process on the handling of disputes and keeping them out of court.  However, it seems this pastor has not chosen to go that route and has instead sued me in the civil court system.  Going to court against another Believer never would have been an option for me.  However, I now have no choice.  I am obligated to respond by obtaining legal counsel or else the case will rule in favor of Chuck O'Neal and the church, including the award of $500,000 in damages.

I think there is a bigger battle going on and it is not mine, but the Lord's.  If there is something I have done wrong in this, I do pray that I would be able to hear His voice. However, I remain confident that God's hand is in this.  He knows this situation and knows my heart.  This is His battle and I am His vessel.  I have nothing to fear.

My Sweet Daughter

Admin note: Last week, a blog post entitled, "My Sweet Daughter" was in this spot. It was posted online for several hours.  I put it put in draft mode temporarily to make a minor revision during which my computer crashed. When I got back to the post after getting my computer working again, the blog post was blank, however, the title was still there. The post was meaningful to me and I'd love to have it posted again. If anyone has a copy of it, please contact me: bgbcsurvivors@gmail.com Thanks! 

Stay tuned for more blog posts. 

 ^{Pr 21:15} When justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous
   but terror to evildoers. 

Rest, Little Kitty

This kitty found us not too long ago.  She was an abandoned kitten and her life existed in in the cold and bitter winter, constantly searching for food and shelter.  The kids placed some food and milk outside and she hung around a bit, coming and going.  Gradually, she let them pet her.   To the children's excitement, one day I let her venture inside the house.  She looked around, but quickly went back outside.  Our home was too foreign for her.  The next day we let her in again and she found a dark, quiet place beneath our couch and slept for a few hours hours.  We could hear purring.   She was at peace.  When we opened the door to let her outside, he put her front two paws outside the door, sniffed the air, but didn't go out all the way.  Stray cat no more, she was home!

Now she is an indoor cat and has no desire to go out in the cold air.   She's full of energy  and playful.  However, there is still something not quite right.  If we put our hand down to touch her, she is very cautious and runs away most of the time.  Occasionally, she'll let us rub beneath her neck and she relaxes a bit.  We've had her for a few weeks now and she still is not completely comfortable with us.  It has to be on her terms.  She cannot simply relax and settle into our lap.  She seems to always have a nervous energy.

This made me think of abuse.  Whenever there is abuse, there are trust issues.  It's difficult to relax, difficult to know how you will be treated.   You always have to be on guard and prepared for the next abuse.  It is a natural protective response, but it takes a lot of energy to live like this.  It takes its toll on a human's body physically, mentally, and emotionally.  If the abuse was spiritual, there can be lasting effects.  Some spiritual abuse victims will leave a church, never to return.

The pastor represents our shepherd and we, the congregants, are the sheep.  In the Bible, our true Shepherd is God.  Very often in our minds, The Shepherd (God) and the shepherd of a church (pastor) get confused.  If we believe that God placed the shepherd (pastor) in the church for us and this shepherd abused us, sometimes that gets equated with God doing the abusing - even though we know that cognitively to be false.   That is why it must be stopped.  Spiritual lives are at stake.  Who wants to risk going back to a church where someone is in authority?  How can I worship God when he placed these pastors in my path?  Oh, it gets very confusing.  Sometimes it's just easier to leave church altogether.
 

I think over time as kitty sees that we love her and she sees that we will never hurt her, she will begin to trust.  I hope one day she will get to experience the sweet peaceful feeling of resting in a warm lap and falling asleep.  She's missing out.   Shame on those who use their position as pastor in to lord over people in a way that makes it difficult to trust.   Take a look at our kitty's eyes in that picture.  This was taken on the first day she found us.  She shows fear.  Those eyes remind me of so many people who have suffered at the hands of a pastor who used his authority to control them. 

I want to be able to rest in my Heavenly Father's lap, unhindered by the pain of the past.  When those shepherds crossed my path, abused their authority to their own gain, it made it hard to trust Him.  Every day my spiritual walk is a struggle.  Will God abandon me?  Will He reject me?  Will He be there to pick me up?  Will He accept me if I fail?  I have to remind myself that God was not the abuser, but man.  One day I hope to rest comfortably in His lap without having those fears and confusing thoughts.  What a joyous day that will be.  

List of Cultic Tendencies

Charles Lester wrote a list of cultic tendencies (originally posted Oct. 1991 in Spiritual Counterfeits Project newsletter) which can be viewed in full online at the Battered Sheep website.  The entire list can be found here.  Below are the items that hit a nerve with me. 

• Is your pastor fully accountable to a board of elders, presbyters, etc.?
• Is loyalty to Jesus and to one's own calling placed before loyalty to pastor and church?
• Does your pastor encourage questions and suggestions? Is he approachable?
• Does your pastor readily admit his errors?
• Is your pastor truly humble?
• Is power shared in your church (rather than preempted by a hierarchy)?
• Does your church see itself as just one organ of the Body of Christ, and not the main one?
• Are church members encouraged and loved even when they leave?
• Are relationships with former members encouraged or allowed?
• Do the pastor and congregation avoid attacking and using as object lessons, former members or those who disagree?
• Are you happy to bring unsaved friends to your church?
• Are people encouraged to hear from God for themselves?
• Is the joy of the Lord present in your church?
• Do you think more about God and Jesus than you do about your pastor and church?
• Does your pastor include himself in any calls for repentance and forgiveness?
• Are you clear that the pastors and elders never exaggerate or lie to make themselves look good?

It's interesting how some abusive pastors are so keen on their Almighty Image and do everything possible to avoid the appearance of having imperfections.  Little do they know that weakness, humility, imperfections only draw people closer to them when they are vulnerable - showing that they, too, are human, and on the journey of love and grace which cover a multitude of sins.

Authoritarianism in the Church

Candidacy for Spiritual Abuse: Don’t Develop Your Independent Thinking Skills

 

In my family's personal story at BGBC, after the abrupt firing of a staff employee, the pastor had a church meeting and mentioned that if anyone had questions, he and the elders would be available to answer questions.  My husband and I set an appointment because we had huge concerns with the handling of that firing and other issues.  We had 11 hours worth of meetings that week.  Tough questions were asked.   Some of the questions were regarding the firing of the staff employee, but there were other questions as well.  

A few days after those meetings, we were told we were no longer welcome at BGBC.  Not only that, it was brought to our attention that the church body was told that we were in church discipline and they were not have no contact with us whatsoever.  (See member Stephanie's review where she publicly posts that we are currently in church discipline.)  When I later saw members at Costco and a grocery store parking lot, they turned the other way and even sped away in their vehicle.  I tried calling someone and they said they couldn't talk and hung up.  Several years of relationships - relationships I had with fellow moms were abruptly stopped.  Relationships my children had with other children ended - some that had several years of history prior to coming to this church - all down the drain. My daughter was in the midst of a high school biology class that met in our home with the child of a member.  That particular high school child was not allowed to continue the class and my daughter was left to continue her biology schoolwork by herself.    

There was no love demonstrated here.  It seemed like a clear attempt by the pastor to control information to protect his image.  He knew that the information that we had about him was a threat to his position because we had witnesses.   In order to keep things under wraps, he was forced to fabricate a lie that we were under church discipline.  Sadly, the sheep submitted to his orders of shunning.  Most likely they submitted so they wouldn't have to endure the shunning treatment that they had seen so many other families endure.  

This is a great article on authoritarianism in the church by Wayne Burleson.  

 

Here is an excerpt:

How does one know if the Christian community or church to which he or she belongs is following Christ's teachings on leadership or is a reflection of the pagan's understanding of authority? What are the signs imperial authoritarianism in the church? The following are ten indicators:

(1). There is never any freedom to question the leader.
(2). The leader often makes claims of having special insights from God, insights that the laity are unable to possess.
(3). Disagreement with the leader is deemed a sign of the devil's influence in one's life.
(4). Events are designed to bring attention and praise to the leader rather than equipping others to do the work of the ministry.
(5). Any concept of equality is immediately labeled rebellion or the end result of a "liberal" denial of the Bible.
(6) Authoritarian leaders are only comfortable around like-minded leaders; thus, there is an unofficial 'speaking tour' where only imperial, authoritarian leaders share the platform with each other.
(7). The measure of success becomes the number of people who follow the leader ("It must be of God! Look at how many come to hear me speak!")
(8). If a person leaves the community or church, the problem is always in the person who leaves, not the leadership.
(9). Leaders who wrongly perceive themselves as those "with authority" insulate their lives by demanding absolute loyalty through giving large financial benefits to their closest 'advisors.'
(10). The ultimate end of this kind of Christian leadership is always more; more money, more power, more followers, more publicity, more, more, more...