Spiritual Abuse: Memories and Flashbacks

I want to touch on a controversial subject.  What comes to mind when I mention the words:  counselors or mental health?   Many at BGBC don't want to touch that subject.  Mental health professionals were talked down as if they were evil and would brainwash you.   Even Biblical Christian counseling was not respected.   The only kind of counseling that I remember which was acceptable was the kind in pastor's office.  We've talked about those "meetings".  I'm trying to remember positive results from those counseling meetings and can think of none.  In fact, in our experience, they only induced anguish and emotional turmoil - some that has lasted for years. 

As I have been writing blog posts, talking with old friends and now new friends who were former members of BGBC, I am hearing a lot of stories - stories that remind me of my experiences that were long forgotten.  Hearing these stories takes my mind back to my former days at BGBC.

Your might be thinking back through those experiences, too.  Last week, I mentioned that after hearing someone's story, that I had a low-grade headache for a few days.    This is normal.  Sometimes my brain just won't stop thinking about that former experience.  This is normal.  Sometimes I wake up in the morning with this stuff on my mind.  This is normal.  Sometimes I get a tight feeling in my gut.  This is normal.

What we experienced was emotionally traumatic.  Sometimes there are physical responses to these emotional issues.  Sometimes our heads can be bogged down with the craziness of it all.  Overall, I feel very positive and confident about my legal case, but sometimes thoughts about it still enter my mind - again, perfectly normal.

Medical doctors look at physical symptoms to diagnose ailments.  Meteorologists study patterns in the atmosphere and sky to determine weather forecasts.   Farmers rely on those forecasts, fishermen plan their trips around those forecasts, the whole East coast is glued to their reports during hurricane season.   Mental health professionals can identify patterns of behavior or symptoms of people who have gone through physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse.   The patterns exhibited in people who have gone through these experiences remain similar.  

After experiencing something like this, I think it's helpful to know what is a "normal" response.  I remember a number of things I went through after experiencing a huge earthquake in the Philippines which killed thousands of people.  I saw so much destruction, some personally and some from the local television news.  The news there was unlike the news we have here in the States.   In the Philippines, they zoomed in on the tragic scenes showing bodies, close-ups of their dead faces, etc.  That was very disturbing to see.  It was hard to sleep, I kept getting flashbacks of the experience, I found my jaw clenching unconsciously when I slept, there was a sense of nervousness, sense of fear about the next aftershock, sometimes I would actually "feel" earthquakes that weren't even there.  It didn't matter if I played praise music all day, devoured the Word, prayed, those feelings and physical symptoms did not go away.

There are so many ways to respond to a traumatic event:  fear, anxiety, loss of appetite, physical symptoms like headaches, GI issues, feeling sadness or depressed, loss of hope, etc.

I know from being at BGBC that mental health was not looked upon highly.  Keep in mind, your former pastor who balked at mental health got his degree in mental health.  Now tell me, if it was that bad, do you think he would have done that?   No science is perfect.  We all know that.  Medical doctors misdiagnose ailments, forecasts are frequently off.  In my 25 yrs of being a mother, medical experts have told me it is best to put my babies to sleep on their sides, back, and tummy.  They can't seem to make up their minds.  After the birth my last babies (after over 15 yrs of mothering), I figured I had enough with science and put them to sleep the way they slept best.  I figure mommy science and personal experience is worth something!   But there is a lot of truth and good information we can learn from experts.   Those patterns of behavior, patterns of common responses to trauma - those patterns remain relatively unchanged over time.  We can use them to help us identify problem areas.  That information is helpful just as the information from a weather forecast helps us to know that we need to bring a warm jacket for our trip.

I wanted to post this info from Mayo Clinic about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.   PTSD can be caused by any traumatic event.  Most of us are familiar with it used with regard to our troops in combat - they can have difficulty because the "war" can sometimes still be "alive in their heads" even after coming back home.  This same response can happen to victims of earthquakes, or any form of abuse.  Not only can adults deal with it, our children can, too.  

By Mayo Clinic staff Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms typically start within three months of a traumatic event. In a small number of cases, though, PTSD symptoms may not appear until years after the event.
Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms are generally grouped into three types: intrusive memories, avoidance and numbing, and increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal).
Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

• Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time
• Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event

Symptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing may include:

• Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Avoiding activities you once enjoyed
• Hopelessness about the future
• Memory problems
• Trouble concentrating
• Difficulty maintaining close relationships

Symptoms of anxiety and increased emotional arousal may include:

• Irritability or anger
• Overwhelming guilt or shame
• Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much
• Trouble sleeping
• Being easily startled or frightened
• Hearing or seeing things that aren't there

Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms can come and go. You may have more post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms when things are stressful in general, or when you run into reminders of what you went through. You may hear a car backfire and relive combat experiences, for instance. Or you may see a report on the news about a rape and feel overcome by memories of your own assault.

Chuck seemed to be against any sort of outside counseling.  I know the stigma with mental health and counseling that all of us experienced.    If, however, you are not able to function well and are experiencing physical or emotional symptoms that you cannot seem to get rid of, it may be appropriate to rethink that message that was taught.  Is it appropriate to see a Christian counselor?  

Where there is no counsel, the people fall;
But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

Proverbs 11:14

For by wise counsel you will wage your own war,
And in a multitude of counselors there is safety.

Proverbs 24:6 

 

What does the Bible say about counseling?  Were those man-made rules or actually Biblical guidelines?  We're having to rethink a lot of things now.  What about counseling in the church?   Go talk to your pastor.  Talk to a friend or loved one or trusted person from church.    I know for me, the key to my healing was talking.  I needed to share my story.  The more I shared my story, the faster I healed.  This passage below sure lays out the beautiful illustration of how we can serve and encourage others who are going through difficult times. 

 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.  Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.  And our hope for you is steadfast, because we know that as you are partakers of the sufferings, so also you will partake of the consolation.  2 Cor 1:4-7

Legalism: Do Not Expose Your Thighs!

And in vain they worship Me,
Teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.

Matthew 15:9 

My family didn’t have too many problems with modesty.  Prior to coming to BGBC, we didn’t have any “formal” teaching on modesty.   It was a natural and seemingly obvious idea that one would dress in a way that would reflect an image that Christ would want us to have.  If God seemed concerned with the heart, so should we.  If certain clothing invited roaming eyes to zero in on specific body parts, then it made sense to avoid those styles of clothing.  This was a simple solution with no rigid rules, just basic common sense.

At BGBC, we were told how we should and should not dress - specific guidelines, such as do not expose skin above the knees - especially the thighs.  We found very quickly that there was a lot of attention focused on this issue - and in my opinion, a very unhealthy amount of attention.  In another post I will discuss how I believe the modesty rules backfired.

BGBC Non-Sanctioned Shorts, drawn by 9-yr old resident artist

My son is 6’8”.  Yes, he’s a very tall drink of water.  It is very hard to find pants to fit him because not only is he tall, but he is very thin.  While there are Big & Tall stores for tall men, I've yet to see a Skinny & Tall store.  I was thrilled one day to find some shorts that seemed quite long.  This kid has never been picky about clothes and has always been so appreciative of the clothes I get for him and he was happy to wear his new shorts - the longest ones he had ever had.  I remember my heart ached when I overheard a teen tell another friend that my son's shorts were still too short.  They were knee length, but I'm sure more skin was showing when he was sitting down.  Was I expected to sew my son shorts the BGBC-approved length since there were none to be found in local stores AND on the internet?  Ugh! 

Thankfully, at the time, I did not take it personally, but realized that this was one aspect of what happens in a church with legalism:  people act unloving and unkind because the rules are more important than the heart of the people.  Some got caught in this trap of judging whether each others' clothes would pass the modesty test and talked amongst each other when someone violated the rules.   

Legalism,  which is an aspect of many spiritually abusive churches, robs us of deep relationships.  It forces one to focus so much on the rules and externals, it's hard to look beyond them.  It pushes people away from you because they feel like they are being judged - and they very well could be.  I tell you, it's nice to be at a place finally where I can see people for who they are without distraction of their tattoos, short hemline, cleavage showing, bulging biceps, piercings, you name it.  When you start accepting and loving people for who they are, those externals really are only external. 

LEGALISM: Teaching for doctrines the commandments of men (Matthew 15:9)

• Adding basic rules to a faith which makes it more exclusive and isolated from "outsiders" who do not think, act, or believe as the "true" believers do is called LEGALISM.

• Legalistic groups have their own authority figures who provide the rules "their" people are to live by. These leaders have answers for everything and their rules are considered nearly equal to the authority of the Bible.

• Legalistic leaders see themselves as more than just leaders. They feel better, more spiritual and have fewer failings and temptations than "their" people. They become spiritual detectives looking for raised hem lines or hair over the collar as if these things prove what "their" people are really like inside. Abuse of power follows.

• Members are to look to their leaders for the "standard"; how they should think, what they should do, and how they should dress.

• The system teaches that the leaders know best and to challenge them is to challenge God.

• As one chooses to become part of a legalistic system his or her freedom to choose is quickly lost. Appearances and associations become most important. If a member is confused about something the fault is with the member and not with the group.

• Legalism emphasizes externals more than internals and people learn that appearance is more important than what they are on the inside and one's life becomes a performance benefit for those who may be watching. (http://www.thelyingtruth.info/vot/legalism.php)

Note to Chuck O'Neal from Former Church Member

This post was found in the comment section from Anonymous.  How can one not feel the pain in this note? 

Chuck,

Why don't you love people? 1 John says if you say you love God but don't love people you are lying and the Truth isn't in you.   Don't you know you have harmed people and you will be accountable to God for that?  Doesn't your conscience bother you at all? How about at night when you are trying to sleep? Why don't you overlook offenses, do good to those you think are your enemies?  

Reading the stories here, the ones from people you have shunned; tossed aside as though they were trash, should move you with compassion.  Do they move you with compassion or make you more angry? 

You have a choice to repent of your part in all of this and reach out to us with a pastor's heart or continue on with vengeful arrogance.  If you choose the former there can be beautiful forgiveness and broken lives can be mended.  God would be glorified in that! 

Or...you can continue on leaving a path of destruction. God is NOT pleased with that course.  

He has much to say in His word about those who cause harm to HIS sheep.  I plead with you, for the sake of the glory of God, for the sake of His precious sheep, and for your own sake.....do the right thing!  "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."

With tears and a heavy heart

Chuck O'Neal's Original Complaints Against Julie Anne

Some may be interested in seeing what Chuck O'Neal calls "defamation" in his lawsuit against me and 4 others.   Although the filed complaint is public,  I took screen shots and blocked out my last name and left out the other defendants.  These are the original complaints that were filed against me. 

Try to click on the image to enlarge.   It looks like the copy was not lined up properly when scanned - sorry about that.   When Chuck recently amended the complaint, he added more "defamatory" phrases which came from this blog.  I'll post those soon.

Off to choir to tinkle some ivories.  Yes, life goes on even amidst a lawsuit.

Dare to Leave: One Family's Tragic Account

A couple of the earliest posts on this blog discussed how difficult it is to leave the church well.  Meaning, it is nearly impossible to leave the church and remain in the local area without repercussions (church discipline, shunning, etc).    Here are the links to those early posts:  Leaving a Church and How Dare You Leave Our Church!

What is this insanity?  You go to go to a church, decide to leave only to discover later that your former pastor has held you emotionally and spiritually captive by threats, shunning, excommunication, and/or  church discipline?   And you can come back in good graces only if you come back to the church, tail between your legs (okay, that was an exaggeration) recanting and repenting of your ways?   Really???? 

Below is a heart-wrenching personal account of a family who tried to leave the church and move on with their lives.   (This account was left in the comment section by Anonymous and I took the liberty to break it up here for easier reading.) 

If you take blood pressure meds and have not taken your daily dose, please take your meds now.  Reading this could cause medical problems. 

Reading through all the comments on various blogs one thing has jumped out at me.  I know some people were told to leave for various and often almost unbelievable reasons and then told they were under church discipline and or shunned.

But I left on my own volition after many months of prayer.  I was terrified and had no one to ask counsel of if I was doing the right thing.   I was concerned about certain things that were going on, especially scared for my children.   But I had been attending BGBC for several years so I had already succumbed to the order to eliminate non-members from my life.  I was so afraid to make the decision to leave.   But I was not under church discipline.

MONTHS after I left, chuck discovered that several members were still friends with me.  At that point he called a church meeting (I was of course not invited) at which time he informed the church body that I was not saved and a danger to anyone talking to me because I had subversive ideas (leaving the church).  I was a member at another church at this time and heavily involved in sunday school classes, three separate bible studies, and teaching three year olds.

He informed the members that I was in open rebellion against him and God and that I was trying to get other members to leave.  At this point I was so terrified of chuck that I had never said anything to anyone else about leaving.  However, he forbade anyone from having any contact with me at all.   He actually told them I was a danger because I was an unrepentant goat!

Fortunately, a few brave saints kept contact with me because they admitted they could see fruit in my life and were confused as to what my unrepentant sin was.  So was I!

No one had ever contacted me to confront me regarding this "sin".  One member actually asked if I was excommunicated or officially under church discipline.  Since I wasn't, chuck said no, but the threat I posed was real and they needed to follow his counsel.   Praise God that a few people chose not to!

One actually told chuck that they were leaving our relationship in God's hands unless chuck could actually specify my sin.

So I guess my point is my shunning didn't result from an open confrontation with chuck or some sin I refused to repent of, my shunning was a direct result of leaving the church.

There have been a few people who have likewise commented that they are unaware of what their sin was. I can tell you, you didn't give chuck the inappropriate authority over your life that he demands. I still grieve for the friends I lost for no reason other than chuck's ego.  And for the ensuing years that I have spent triple guessing everything from books, to "truths" I learned under chuck that I have had to unlearn.

Ok, folks - how much of the above sounds like a normal, healthy, church?  Why has this madness been allowed to continue for over a decade?  How many more families and children will have to endure this kind of treatment?  Who will stand up against this insanity? 

Still, My Soul Be Still

Still, Be Still My  Soul

A  friend sent me this song.  I listened.   I wept.  So beautiful, so soothing, sooooo what I needed to hear.  

I was talking on the phone with a former church member about music this week.  We discussed how sometimes it's difficult to hear certain songs because there is an emotional attachment with them.  Sometimes that attachment is not a positive one and hearing a particular song will bring back a flood of memories.  If it is a positive experience, that is fun to relive those memories.  It gives you joy, puts a smile on your face.  If the song takes you back to negative experiences, especially in a case like this church experience, where the memories are so, so painful, it can really affect someone not only for the duration of the song, but long afterward.  It's like a flashback and all of those horrible memories come flooding into remembrance.   A natural response would be to avoid whatever "triggers" you. 

I encouraged this dear one to dust off the musical instrument and sing.  Make a new song unto the Lord!  (Friend, I know you are reading, this song would be a great start!)

We may have suffered pain and loss, but God has the victory.  Let's not let that pain rob us of joy of our worship of Him in song.  If we need to replace some songs that bring back so many bad memories, so be it.  Let's start anew!

Here are the lyrics to Still, My Soul Be Still:

Still my soul be still, and do not fear though winds of change may rage tomorrow.
God is at your side, no longer dread the fires of unexpected sorrow.

Chorus:
God You are my God, and I will trust in You and not be shaken.
Lord of peace renew a steadfast spirit within me to rest in You alone.

Still my soul be still, do not be moved by lesser lights and fleeting shadows.
Hold onto His ways with shield of faith against temptations flaming arrows.

Still my soul be still, do not forsake the Truth you learned in the beginning.
Wait upon the Lord and hope will rise as stars appear when day is dimming.

Words and Music by Keith & Kristyn Getty & Stuart Townend

Who is reading this?!

Stepped out my bedroom door and this is what greeted me at 6:30 AM!

Yesterday we had 469 hits on the blog - 63 more than the previous all-time record!    I don't get it.    From a church that had maybe 100 people?  If I leave a comment on someone's blog using my name and they click on my name to get to this blog, Blogger keeps track of those hits.  There were none of those referral hits yesterday so I'm curious who is reading.  Any ideas? 

Regardless, I'm glad that you are here.  I'm glad that you are reading about what many families experienced.  These stories need to be read and heard and people need to tell their stories. 

This week was a rough one for me.  It wasn't rough because of the lawsuit at all - I'm ready.  It was rough because of the stories I heard.  Yes, more stories.  Stories from over a decade ago involving people I've never met nor heard of.  I've had a low-grade headache since that time.  To think that people have experienced this level of pain from a decade ago and it still affects them to this day.  I guess it literally made me sick when I thought of the multitudes of families who had been treated like this and basically abandoned - so many more than I ever knew or imagined.  My headache will go away, but my resolve to expose to the truth will not go away. 

To those special friends who continually reach out to me and send notes of encouragement - I have to tell you - sometimes that is the fuel that keeps me going.  Thank you. 

Now I'm going to try take care of myself - go for a walk in this beautiful sunny weather (see above picture of what greeted me when I woke up - I'll duck from the onslaught of rotten tomatoes being thrown at me from my Oregonian rain-drenched friends),  maybe hit some garage sales, play some piano, maybe sew a bit.   

Have a wonderful weekend.  Keep talking.  

That's the rule here:  talk, talk, talk :)

 Psalm 113

Praise the Lord!

Praise, O servants of the Lord,

praise the name of the Lord!

 Blessed be the name of the Lord

from this time forth and forevermore!

From the rising of the sun to its setting,

the name of the Lord is to be praised!

 The Lord is high above all nations,

and his glory above the heavens!

 Who is like the Lord our God,

who is seated on high,

 who looks far down

on the heavens and the earth?

 He raises the poor from the dust

and lifts the needy from the ash heap,

 to make them sit with princes,

with the princes of his people.

 He gives the barren woman a home,

making her the joyous mother of children.

Praise the Lord!